Please observe current restrictions regarding self-isolation, public gatherings and social distancing.

To help stay connected during this difficult year, below are suggestions on how to pass the time during extended isolation - including some light-hearted stories and other comments from our members. But don’t get too enthusiastic with these suggestions, because we want you back walking again.

Right now, dear old Mother Earth needs more PATIENCE; not more PATIENTS!

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
  1. His last one.
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
  1. At the bottom of the page.
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
  1. Liquid.
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
  1. Marriage.
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
  1. Exams.
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
  1. Lunch and dinner.
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
  1. The other half.
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?
  1. It will simply become wet.
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
. No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
  1. You will never find an elephant with one hand.
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three in the other hand, what would you have?
  1. Very large hands.
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
  1. No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
  1. Any way you want. Concrete floors are very hard to crack.
                                            He got a result of 0%.
                                       I would have given him 100%.
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, “Do you want the winner of the next race? “   Paddy replies, “ No tanks, l’ve only got a small garden.”
Paddy and Mick find three hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station. Mick says, “ What if one explodes before we get there?”
Paddy replies, “We’ll lie and say we only found two!”
A coach load of Paddy’s on a mystery coach tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going...... the driver won 52 pounds!
Paddy’s racing snail is not winning races any more , so he decided to take it’s shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn’t work, if anything, it made him more sluggish.
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says, “ Bejesas, l’ve just found a sandwich which looks like a bomb.” The operator asks, “ Is it tickin?” Paddy says, “ No I think it’s beef.”
Joe says to Paddy, “ Close your curtains the next time you’re making love to your wife . The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.” Paddy says, “ Well the jokes on them stupid because I wasn’t even home yesterday.”
Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says,” Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?” Paddy says, “ Well me and Mary haven’t been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor.”
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs, and they’re going to drill for their own oil.
Paddy says to Mick - “ I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I’m going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.”
Mick asks, “ So what are you going to do this year.”
Paddy replies, “ I’ll take her with me!”
Paddy says to Mick, Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
Mick says, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him, “Did you find the shampoo?”
Paddy says,” Yes, but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”

Ron P. 07 Aug 2020.

A few one liners to keep you awake for the rest of the day.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother in law to the airport.

My friend just told me:- “ Someone stole all my credit cards but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.”

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

Mrs. Cohen’s doctor called, saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back.”

Mrs. Cohen answered, “ So did my arthritis!”

Doctor: “ You’ll live to be 60.”

Patent: “I am 60.”

Doctor: “ See! What did I tell you?”

A drunk was in front of the judge. The judge say’s, “ You’ve been brought here for drinking.”

The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the school play. She asks, “ What part is it?”

The boy says, “ I play the part of the Jewish husband.”

The mother scowls and says, “ Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

Why men shouldn’t be “Agony Aunts.”

Dear Phil.

I left home for work last week and after less than a mile, my car stalled and wouldn’t start. I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter. They announced that the affair had been going on for two years. Can you help me.....I’m desperate.

Dear Reader. The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps. Phil.

My friend woke up at 8.00 am. this morning and could smell that something was wrong. He got downstairs and found his wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! He panicked and didn't’ know what to do. Then he remembered that McDonald’s served breakfast until 11.30 am.

News just in. There is a female ref. for the United v City match today. The kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.

Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, and said on the envelope DO NOT BEND. Paddy is still wondering how to pick the letter up!

Ron P.   06 Aug 2020.
A blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St. Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. “ I’m sorry, “ St. Peter said; “ But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.”
“That’s cool,” says the blonde, “ What does the Entrance Exam consist of. “
“ Just three questions,” said St. Peter.
“The first,” said St. Peter, is, “Which two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’? “ “The second is, How many seconds are there in a year.“ “The third is, What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?”
“Now “, said St. Peter, “ Go away and think about those three questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.”
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought ( as I expect you are now doing the same!).
The following morning, St. Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replies, “ I have.”
“Well then,” said St. Peter, “Which two days of the week start with the letter ‘T?’
 The blonde said, “Today and Tomorrow.”
St. Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
“Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions.” St. Peter went on, “ How many seconds in a year.”
The blonde replied, “ Twelve.”
“ Only twelve” exclaimed St. Peter, “How did you arrive at that figure.”
“Easy,” said the blonde, “ there’s the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve.”
St. Peter looked at the blonde and said, “ I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.” And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St. Peter returned to the blonde. “I’ll allow the answer to stand , but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda.”
The blonde replied: “Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer”
Really!” Exclaimed St. Peter, And what is the answer.”
       “It’s Andy.”
      “Yes, Andy,” said the blonde.
This totally floored St. Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked, “How in God’s name did you arrive at that answer?”
“Easy,” said the blonde, “Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.”
         And the blonde entered Heaven......
         {Don’t you just love it? I bet you’re singing it now aren’t you?}
Ron P.  05 Aug 2020
 A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around she was surprised to see that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do, and hence she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door!"
I was working out at the gym when I spotted a gorgeous young woman walking in.
I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"
The trainer looked me over, and said, "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
 When I was a boy, my mum would send me down to a corner store with $1.00, and I would come back with 5 potatoes, 2  loaves of bread,      3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs.
You can't do that now.
Too many security cameras. 
RonP.  04 Aug 2020
A plane is on it's way to Toronto., when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. 
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co- pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to   her seat.
The blonde replies, " I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he should probably have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. 
The pilot says, " You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, "First Class isn't going to Toronto."
Ron P.  03 Aug 2020
The Duck and the Lawyer.
The big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee.  He shot and dropped a bird , but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied. "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face first into a fresh cow pat. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket , he said. "Okay, you old upstart. Now it's my turn."
[Wait for it. This is the best part.....]
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Ron P.   02 Aug 2020

English as only the Brits can strangle it.   Only in Britain - Complaints to Councils.

Extracts from letters written by Council tenants.

  1. It’s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
  2. I want some repairs done to my cooker and it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
  3. I wish to complain that my father resisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
  4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
  5. My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand?
  6. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
  7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
  8. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
  9. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
  10. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
  11. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
  12. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
  13. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
  14. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
  15. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
  16. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’ get BBC2.
Ron P. 01 Aug 2020.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink,
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
Warning: the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering where you left your clothes.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day.
Warning: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster,
and better looking than most people. 
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
Warning: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Warning: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
 Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
 'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!'
Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
Warning: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
'Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh. I grant you that the
 wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
 not go nearly as well with pizza.'
Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
To some, it's a six- pack, to me, it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
Warning: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with
members of the opposite sex without spluttering. 
Think about this then :  A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as
the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection
 is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of
the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest
members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as
fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, 
kills brain cells.  But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster  and more efficient
machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Warning : The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Ron P 01 Aug 2020.

Taken from the above book and are what people actually said in court.

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, “ Where am I Cathy?”
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan!
Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reebok’s.
Attorney: Are you sexually active.
Witness: No, I just lie there.
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what way does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forget?
Attorney: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty year old - How old is he?
Witness: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you kidding me?
Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th.?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness: Getting laid.
Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Your honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Take a guess.
Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Unless the Circus was in town, I’m going with male.
Attorney: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
Attorney: All your response must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.
Attorney: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8.30 pm.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: If not, he was by time I finished.
And the best for last!
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive?
Witness: Yes, it is possible he could have been alive and practising law.
Ron P. 30 July 2020

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.  When I quizzed him about it, he reckoned he could stop any time.

A friend went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a relative's grave. As he was standing there, he noticed 4 grave diggers walking around with a coffin..... 3 hours later and they were still walking about with it.... He thought to himself, these guys have lost the plot....

My grandson has been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to the local pet shop and they were $70!!!! That's no good I thought., I can get one cheaper off the web....

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy...

A friends wife was hinting about what she wanted for their upcoming anniversary. She said, " I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." He bought her some scales...

A friend starts a new job in Seoul next week. He thought it was a good Korea move...

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it...

 The British Prime Minister has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English...

I was out driving this morning when I saw an RACV van parked on a side road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looking very miserable. I thought to myself, "that guy is heading for a breakdown."

On holiday a few years ago in Barcelona. I saw a sign that said, " English speaking Doctor." I thought, "What a good idea, why don't the English have them in their own country?"

Ron P. 29 July 2020.

 Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of you who fly routinely in your jobs.

 After every flight,  pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (P), and the solutions (S) recorded by maintenance  engineers.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test Flight OK, except auto - land very rough.
S: Auto - land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.
P: Autopilot in altitude - hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P:  IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny,
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Ron P 27 July 2020

 A rabbit walks into a pub...…

……..and says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie?
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves..
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves..
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit  and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets around), gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves..
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, " A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman."
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night, there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, "A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman,"
The barman says, " I'm sorry, old mate, but we are all out of them ham and cheese toasties."
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice cheese and onion toastie."
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?"
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman with a roguish smile says, " Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it."
" Ok. " says the rabbit, "  I'll have a pint of beer and a cheese and onion toastie."
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..
The barman says, "Who are you?"
To which he is answered, " I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.."
The barman says, "I remember you.  You made me famous."
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous."
The rabbit says, "yes I know.."
The barman says, "I remember on your last night we didn't have any ham and cheese toasties. You had a cheese and onion one instead."
The rabbit said, "Yes you promised me that I would love it."
The barman said, "You never came back. What happened ?"
  "I DIED ",  said the rabbit.
 "NO! " said the barman. "What from?"
After a short pause, the rabbit said..
  "Mixin-me- toasties."

Ron P. 27 July 2020

Sentences actually typed by Medical Secretaries in the National Health Service.

  1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
  2. The patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
  3. Patients medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
  4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  5. Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day, it disappeared.
  7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
  9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
  10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
  11. She is numb from her toes down.
  12. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
  13. The skin was moist and dry.
  14. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
  15. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  16. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
  17. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
  18. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  19. Skin somewhat pale but present.
  20. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
  21. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
  22. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
  23. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
  24. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
  25. She slipped on the ice, and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
  26. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, Who thought we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
  27. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
  28. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. 
Ron P 26 July 2020
British Humour 
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
Question: Are there too many immigrants in Britain?
17% said Yes;  11% said No; 72% said " I am not understanding the question please"
                                                                         A Police Stop at 2.00 AM.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2.00 am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, " I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and
staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, " That would be my wife."
Ron P 26 July 2020
The Alzheimer’s Test - Quick and Easy To Take....
The Alzheimer’s Test was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
  1. This is this cat.
  2. This is is cat.
  3. This is how cat.
  4. This is to cat.
  5. This is keep cat.
  6. This is an cat.
  7. This is old cat.
  8. This is fart cat.
  9. This Is busy cat.
  10. This is for cat.
  11. This is forty cat.
  12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I bet you cannot resist passing it on.
                             “ A smile is the shortlist distance between people”.
Ron P. 26 July 2020


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,”Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks,”What is it supposed to be when it is finished?”
The blonde says, “ According to the picture on the box, it is supposed to be a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box then turns to her and says, “ First of all, no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a cup of tea, and then.....”, he said with a deep sigh.......
.......“Let’s put all the cornflakes back in the box.”
Ron P 23July 2020
One night our man walked into a pub.....
…… and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so he approached and asked, "Hello, are you lassies from Scotland?"
One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!"
So he apologized and replied, "I am so sorry.  Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And... that's the last thing he remembers....
Ron P. 22 July 2020
On the first day God created the dog and said :" Sit still all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of 20 years."
The dog said: " That's a long time to be barking. How about 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10? '
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: " Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this I'll give you a 20 year life span."
The monkey said : "Monkey tricks for 20 years!! That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 years like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long  and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this I will give you a life span of 60 years."
The cow said : "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give you back the other 40?"
And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man and said: "Eat. sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this I'll give you 20 years."
But man said: "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back and the 10 the dog gave back; that makes 80 - ok?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support ourselves and our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grand children. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone!!!
Ron P 13 July 2020
Marek T, 18 May.
...........and orders a beer. After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill.
“ $3.00, says the bartender.”
Our man, just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a dirty look but has no other option but to pick them up.
This happened for the next 3 - 4 days, and every day the bartender felt humiliated.
Next time, our man orders a beer but couldn’t find three $1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that this is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of our man. He then places two $1 coins at the opposite ends of the table.
Now, with a shrewd smile and with all the excitement, he goes to the man and says, “ Go on, collect your change.”
Our man then takes out a $1 coin from his pocket and puts it in front of the bartender, and says, “ One more beer please.”
Ron P, 16 May
..........and they see a sign outside a bar that says, “10 cent Martinis”, and they decide to go in.
They don’t believe it but decide to order anyway.
The bartender makes two large martinis with blue cheese olives and says , “ That will be 20 cents.”
The two guys can’t believe it , but drink up and order again.
While the bartender is making the drinks, they ask him, “ How can you afford to do this.”
The bartender responds, “ I always wanted to own a bar where people could drink cheaply, and then I won the lottery.”
One of the guys responded, “ That’s great . Congratulations.”
Just then, the other guy notices that there are three guys at the end of the bar with no drinks in front of them.
He asks, “ How come those guys aren’t drinking?”
The bartender says, “ Oh, they are retirees from the country. They are waiting for Happy Hour to start!”
When you hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society - don’t you wish you could join them?
Ron P 15 May
.......... and spots a guy wearing a Richmond beanie.
“ Drinks for everyone here barman!” shouts the Essendon fan. “ Except for the Richmond fan.” The Richmond fan smiles and says, “ Thank you!”
Infuriated, the Essendon fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Richmond fan, who, again, thanks the man. This goes on for a while, until the Essendon fan asks the barman, “ What’s the matter with that guy? I’ve ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?”
“ No, he’s not nuts,” says the barman. “ He owns the place.”
 Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the Universe, is that it has never tried to contact us.
Ron P, 14 May
............and orders a whiskey. When the barman serves it up, he takes it outside to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.
As he is enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly.
“ How can you pollute your soul with the Devil’s drink like that.?” she asks.
The man shrugs. “ It’s not the Devil, it’s just whisky.”
“ But it’s sinful and wicked.”
“ How do you know it’s so bad then? Have you ever tasted whisky.”
“ Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is.”
“ But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?”
They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. “ Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whisky, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn’t do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a tea cup?”
The man agrees that this is fair, and walks inside to the barman.
“ Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup please.”
The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, “ Is that damn nun here again.”
I don’t disturb cobwebs, because I want every creature to have a home of its own.
I don’t pull weeds in the garden, because I don’t want to get in God’s way. HE is an excellent designer.
I don’t Spring Clean, because I love all seasons and don’t want the others to get jealous.
           When baking, follow the directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
Ron B, 13 May
..........and sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender says,” I’m sorry sir, you already seem very drunk. I cannot serve you.”
The man gets up and leaves.
A few minutes later, he comes in again, sits down at the bar and tries ordering another drink.
“ I’m sorry sir, but I cannot serve you because you already seem drunk. Please leave.”
The man grunts, gets up and wanders off again through the same exit.
Another few minutes goes by, and the same man comes back in, sits down and tries to order yet another drink.
The man looks at the bartender all surprised and slurs: “ How many bars do you work at?!!!!”
I don’t do windows - because I love birds, and don’t want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
I don’t put things away, because I will never be able to find them again.
I don’t iron, because......I choose to believe them when they say “ Permanent Press”.
                                   A clean house is a sign of a broken computer.
Ron P, 12 May.
..........when a well dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in.
“Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!” The man yells as he approaches.
The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, and they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, who just shrugs and says, “Oh, I didn’t bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry.” The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out.
The next night, the bartender is behind the bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in.
“ Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!”, the man happily announces as he approaches.
The bartender thinks: “ This guy can’t be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him up so hard the previous night.”
He pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers and they all drink. The bartender hands the man the bill, and again he shrugs and says, “ Oh, I didn’t bring my wallet with me again, sorry.” The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out.
For the third night in a row, our bartender can’t believe his eyes when he sees the man return.
“ Bartender! A drink for everyone , and a drink for me!”, the man calls out as he approaches.
The bartender is fuming and grins sardonically: “What, no drink for ME tonight?”
The drunk looks at him and says: “ Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink.”
Give a man a duck and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to duck and he’ll never walk into a bar.
Ron P 11 May.
.........and orders three pints of beer. He drinks each one in turn, and walks out. The next night he returns, and again orders three pints of beer, and then again the next night. The bartender offers to serve them consecutively so they won’ go flat, but the Irishman explains, “ I’d rather see them all lined up before me. I left two brothers behind in Ireland, and since we used to meet at the pub every night and have a pint together, I feel closer to them when I come to drink my pint and their two.”
This goes on for a year, and then one night, the Irishman fails to come in. The regulars are concerned, and then saddened when he returns a few nights later and orders only two pints of beer. When the bartender serves him, he says, “I see you didn’t order a beer for one of your brothers. My condolences on your loss.”
“ My brothers are still alive,” the Irishman says. “ I didn’t order my own beer; my wife made me promise to give up drinking.”
Thoughts for the day:
You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try.
In the midst of great joy, do not promise anyone anything.
In the midst of great anger, do not answer anyone’s letter.
A friend is a person who goes around saying nice things about you behind your back.
Walkers thoughts for the day:
Your body is made for walking.
Make your feet your friends.
A leader takes people where they want to go.
A great leader takes people where they don’t necessarily want to go, but ought to be.
                   An insurance policy covers everything except what happens.
Ron P, 08 May.
...........and begin drinking. Soon they notice a large glass vase of gold coins in the corner and ask the barman what was it there for.
The barman told them: “ That there is the prize for anyone who can 1: Drink a full bottle of tequila in two minutes; 2: Go into that room over there with a lion inside and pull a thorn from the lion’s foot; 3: finally go upstairs and make love to a 100 year old woman.”
The Prize money was too much for the men to pass over, so they agree to try.
The Englishman goes first, but after only half the tequila, he collapses drunk.
The Scotsman is next. He downs the tequila and staggers to the lion’s room. The door is closed and there is a massive scream, and soon afterwards, he stumbles back out of the room with his hand bitten off.
The Irishman drinks the tequila and staggers towards the lion’s room. The door is closed behind him and almost immediately there are massive screams and shouts coming from behind the door, screams which last for nearly ten minutes.....There is banging up against the sides of the door and everything and then silence. The Irishman emerges battered, bleeding and torn. “ Now,” he says,” where is that lady with the thorn in her foot.”
You learn something every day if you pay attention.
Parents - just do the best you can, hold your breath, and hope you have set aside enough money for your children’s therapy.
An expert is someone called in at the last moment to share the blame.
A committee meets to discuss an agenda for hours, and records its decisions in minutes.
Ever notice that the first piece of luggage on an airport carousel never seems to belong to anyone.
Few people know how to take a good walk. The qualifications are endurance, plain cloths, old shoes, an eye for nature, good humour, vast curiosity, good speech, good silence and nothing too much.
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.
Ron P, 07 May
A senior member poached an egg in the microwave as instructed by another club member ( Mary). However, it blew up the cup, smashed the latch on the door and made a mess of the kitchen. It took him an hour to clean up, but he is still laughing about it - all because he didn’t prick the yolk.
Anon 06 May.
......grabs a seat and orders a double whiskey, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it over to our man.
Our man reaches into his coat, searching frantically. This catches the bartender’s attention, so he monitors his customer out the corner of his eye. Finally, our man finds what he is looking for and sighs a sigh of relief.
He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey. The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, “ I’m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?”
To which our man replies,” Oh no, no, everything’s fine! I just promised my wife I’d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.”
Advice for the day:
Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don’t feel that men provide them with enough frustration.
When you fall down, find something to do while you are down there.
Thoughts for the day:
After God created the world, He made man and woman. Then to keep the whole thing from collapsing, He invented humour.
All people have the right to stupidity, but some people abuse the privilege.
Walking thoughts for the day:
Walking gets the feet moving, the blood moving, and the mind moving. Movement is life.
The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk.
                   Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Ron P, 06 May
.......and finds his way to a bar stool where he sits down and orders a beer.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke.”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, “ Before you tell that joke old feller, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a boxing team.
I’m a six foot tall, blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional wrestler.
The lady to your right is a professional weight lifter.
Now, think about it seriously old you still want to tell that blonde joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “ No...not if I’m going to have to explain it five times.”
Advice for the day:
If you tried your best and failed miserably, the lesson is - don’t try.
Marriage is is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other person is the husband.
Thoughts for the day:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
It is frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Walking thoughts for the day:
Walking is good for solving problems. It is like the feet are little psychiatrists.
Walking takes longer than any other form of locomotion, except crawling. It stretches time and prolongs life. Life is already too short to waste on speed.
                                 Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Ron P, 05 May
Would you like to do jigsaw puzzles without messing up the dining room table for the next six months, then try Jigsaw Planet for online games (  It's free - and adictive.
Col P. 04 May.

.......and parked outside a bar for a drink. Unfortunately the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his car had been stolen. He went back into the bar, pulled out a gun, flipped it into air, caught it above his head without even looking, and fired it into the ceiling.
“ Which one of you country bumpkins stole my car?” He yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
“Alright, I’m going to have another beer ,and if my car isn’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m going to do what I did in Victoria! And I don’t like to have to do what I did in Victoria!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. Our man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and saw that his car had been returned to the parking area. He got into his car and got ready to drive off, when the bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “ Before you go.....what happened in Victoria?”
Our man looked out of his car window and said, “ I had to walk home.”


The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
To prevent your skin from sagging, eat until the wrinkles fill out.
As a nation, we are dedicated to keeping physically fit - and parking as close to the shops as possible.
If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, then the triathlon must have taken Him completely by surprise.
Enjoy long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy you.
The moment your legs begin to move, your thoughts begin to flow.
 “ The road to success is always under construction.”
Ron P, 04 May.
The Victorian Government has developed a new website called Victoria Together ( and includes music, entertainment, Arts and nature.   Videos on this website are both live-streaming and pre-recorded.
Col P. 01 May.

You Tube (Recorded Live Theatre):
The London National Theatre are releasing recordings of there poplar shows each weekend.  They are now available for only 7 Days from 4:00am Fridays (Melbourne time), and can be accessed on the following link:   There is a different show each weekend. This weekend  (2 May) is Frankenstein.   These shows are great viewing on a smart TV.
.........and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.
“Hey!” Shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”
Sure enough, Panda : “ A tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
...........pushing a baby in a stroller. 
“ What’s your kids name?” Asks the bartender.
“ Tiny,” says the lizard. “ Because he’s my newt.”
Don’t eat natural foods. Most people die of natural causes.
A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.
Men are like computers because they are suppose to help you solve problems, but half the time, they are the problem.
Isn’t it a bit of a worry that doctors call what they do “practice”.
Walking is the one form of locomotion by which man proceeds on his own two feet, upright, erect as a man should be , not squatting on his rear haunches like a frog.
We live in a fast paced society. Walking slows us down.
When I read about the evils of drinking alcohol, I give up reading.
Ron P, 01 May
.......and sat drinking his beer next to the window looking out onto the car park. He watched as cars swerved into the car park. The drivers would run inside the pub, only to reappear minutes later looking confused.
The reason may have been the sign outside in the car park: “ Free Beer, Topless Barmaids, and False Advertising.”


Amnesia - condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.
Dumb Waiter - one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family Planning - the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial ruin.
Feedback - the inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name - what you call your child when you are angry with him/her.
Grandparents - the people who think your children are wonderful even though they are sure you’re not raising them right.
Impregnable - a woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.
Independent - how we want our children to be, as long as they do everything we say.
Pre-natal - when your life was somewhat your own.
Puddle - a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off - a child that is more talented than yours.
Sterilise - what you do to your first baby’s dummy by boiling it, and to your last baby’s dummy by blowing on it.
Top Bunk - where you should never put a child wearing Superman PJ’s.
Two Minute Warning - when the baby’s face turns red and he/she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Whodunnit - none of the kids that live in your house.
Ron P 30 April
Below are links to online quizzes to help pass the time:
Marek T, 29 April
........He has a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook hand. The captain sits down and orders a drink. The bartender serves the drink, and asks the captain a question.
“ If you wouldn’t mind, how did you get that peg leg?”
“ I were chasing the white whale, laddy. Dangerous business that!”
“ Well how did you get the hook hand?” the bartender asked.
” Yar, had me a swashbuckling accident, and lost me hand, I did! “ “ Wow! What about the eye patch?” asked the bartender.
“ Well now, that was a sea gull pooped in me eye.”
“ What?” Asked the bartender. “ How did you loose your eye from seagull poop?”
“ Yar, t’were me first day with the hook!”


If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
Some days we are the flys; some days we are the windscreen.
Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time!
Good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much if your lips are moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
When we are born, we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our rear. From there on in, life gets worse.
Ron P, 29 Apr
..........and the bartender asks for ID.
“You’ve got to be kidding ,” the old guy said. “I’m almost 60 years old.”
The bartender apologised, but said he had to see the ID. The guy showed him his driving license, then paid for his drink and told the bartender to keep the change.
“ The tip is for checking on me ,” he said.
The bartender put the change in the tip jar.
“Thanks, “ he said. “ Works every time.”


Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just knick off and leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren’t getting any.
Never forget that you are unique, just like everyone else.
Don’t aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
Never test the depth of water with both feet.
If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish , and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
[Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know].
Ron P, 28 April


I was recently walking to the supermarket, and as I passed by the Northcote golf course, there was a violent thunderstorm. It was particularly frightening, because the golf balls were the size of hail stones.

Col P, 27 April.

.............and asks for 10 shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and our man takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.
The bartender asks, “ Why did you do that?”, to which our man replied, “ Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!”


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said, “ Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”
Slim replied, “ I feel like a newborn baby.”
“Really? Like a new born baby?”
“Yep, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
Ron P, 27 April.
........Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black labrador, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab. owner says, “Let’s get a beer.”
The chihuahua owner complains, “ That would be great, but we can’t take our dogs in there.”
The first responds with, “ Watch me.”
The lab owner strolls in with his dog and orders a beer. The bartender tells him,” Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.”
“He is my seeing eye dog”, the man replies, feigning offense.
The bartender quickly apologises and serves him the beer.
The second man follows, his chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.
Again, the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.
“ He is my seeing eye dog,” the man replies.
“ Yeah, right , “ The bartender says. “ A chihuahua?. Give me a break.”
Without missing a beat, the man replies, “ What? They gave me a chihuahua ?!”.
.........and says, “ A scotch on the rocks please.” The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 note. The bartender thinks to himself, “ This gorilla doesn’t know the price of drinks,” and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, “ You know, we don’t get too many gorillas in here.”
The gorilla replies, “Well, at $9.85 a drink, I won’t be coming back either.”
Ron P, 26 April
You Tube (Recorded Live Theatre):
The London National Theatre are releasing recordings of there poplar shows each weekend.  They are available for only 48 hours from 4:00am Saturdays Melbourne time, and can be accessed on the following link:   There is a different show each weekend, and last week was the Phantom of the Opera, while this weekend (25 April) is the Twelth Night.   These shows are great viewing on a smart TV.
Linda G, 25 April.

........and sees his friend sitting beside a 12 inch pianist.he says to his friend, “ That’s amazing. Where did he come from.?”
The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. Our man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells our man that he has but one wish.
Our man thinks and says,” I wish I had a million bucks”. All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks.
“ What just happened?” our man asks. His friend replies, “ I don’t know. Did you really think I wanted a 12 inch pianist?”
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says,” I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, and after a few seconds, Bob hands her $ 800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”
“ It was Bob the next-door neighbour,” she replies.
“Great,” the husband says,” did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story: if you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Ron P, 25 April
......As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender “What’s with the meat?”
The bartender says, “ If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss one, you have to pay for every one else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?”
Our man takes another look at the meat, then says, “ I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”
Macho man married a good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don’ expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.
I’ll go hunting, boozing, fishing and card playing when I went with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said:
“ No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night... whether you’re here or not”.
Husband ( a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says “And you are no good in bed either”, and storms out of the house After some time, he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends, so rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband say, “What took you so long to answer the phone”.
She says, “ I was in bed”.
“In bed this early , doing what,” he asks.
“ Getting a second opinion,”
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself , that he starts calling his wife, “ Mother of Six” despite her objections.
One night , they go to a party. When the man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts out at the top of his voice, “ Shall we go home Mother of Six.”

His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion, shouts right back, “ Any time you’re ready, Father of Four”.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Ron P, 24 Apr

HIS CUP RUNNETH OVER: is the end of the week and our man realises that he is broke as walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on. But then he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it - as you do - and a genie emerges.
“I will grant you three wishes” intones the genie.
“Give me a bottomless mug of beer” our man says.
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each sip, the mug magically refills “And for your other two wishes?”
Between swallows, our lucky man shouts, “ Give me two more just like this one!”
Ron P, 23 Apr
........and straight away spots an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, “ Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”.
She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, “ No, I won’t come over to your place tonight!”.
With everyone in the bar staring , our man crept back to his stool, puzzled and humiliated.
A few minutes later, the woman walked over to him and apologised.
“ I’m sorry if I embarrassed you,” she said, “ but I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying human reaction to embarrassing situations.”
At the top of his lungs, our man responded, “What do you mean , two hundred dollars?”
Gynaecologists Office - Dr. Jones at your cervix.
Podiatrists Office - Time wounds all heels.
On a Septic Tank Truck - Yesterday’s meals on wheels.
On a Plumber’s Truck - We repair what your husband fixed.
On another Plumber’sTruck - Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
Church Bill Board - 7 days without God makes one week.
Tyre Store - Invite us to your next blowout.
Electrician’s Truck - Let us remove your shorts.
Non Smoking Area - If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
Maternity Room Door - Push, push, push.
Optometrist’s Office - If you don’t see what you are looking for, you have come to the right place.
Taxidermist’s Window - We really know our stuff.
On a Fence - Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
Car Dealership - The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
Car Exhaust Store - No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
Vet’s Waiting Room - Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!
Restaurant Window - Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.
Front Yard of a Funeral Home - Drive carefully. We’ll wait.
Radiator Shop - Best place in town to take a leak.
Another Septic Tank Truck - Caution! This tank Is full of Political Promises!
........and sees a beautiful woman at the end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, ”Where have you been all my life?”
“Well”, she says, “ for the first half of it, I wasn’t even born.”

The doctor suggested I start doing squats, so I have moved all the beer to the bottom shelf of the fridge.

Join the 2 - Day Challenge - Absolutely NO alcohol on February 30 th. and 31 st!

A recent study found that women who carried a little extra weight lived longer than the men who mentioned it.

Ron P, 22April


.......”Poor old thing”, thought the well dressed gentleman as he watched the old man fish in a puddle outside the pub. So he invited the man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he would humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”.

The old man replied, “ You are the eighth.”


Why did Moses spend 40 years wandering in the desert? He refused to ask for directions.
An emotional man can lash out like a reptile; an emotional woman prefers to “talk about it “.
When you are dealing with an upset woman, don’t offer solutions or invalidate her feelings - just show her you are listening.
To prove his love for her, he climbed the highest mountain, swam the deepest ocean, and crossed the widest desert. But she left him - he was never home.
Men hate criticism - that is why they like to marry virgins.
Don’t offer a man advice unless he asks for it. Tell him you have confidence in his ability to work things out.
Talking about her problems is how a woman gets relief from stress. But she wants to be heard, not given solutions.
Men climb on their rock to solve problems. Women who follow them get kicked off.
Most men get a brain haemorrhage after 20 minutes of shopping.
Some men cringe at the thought of responding in detail, but if you are prepared to try it, you will score big points with most women.

Ron P, 21 April.


.......Our man was in a bar drinking his beer. When he had finished his beer, he pulled out his wallet and looked at a picture of his wife, then ordered another beer and put his wallet away. He finished his second beer, took out his wallet, looked at the picture of his wife, ordered another beer and put his wallet away.
He did this several more times, when finally the barman asks,” Why after you finish your beer do you take your wallet out and look at a picture of your wife.?”.
Our man replies that “ As soon as she starts looking better to me, it is time to go home!”.
This one is a bit tricky. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. There must be a word or phrase for this, but I haven’t found it yet.
The idea is to take a word or phrase and rearrange the letters to make another word or phrase, only using each letter once, and having no letters left over.
     Eg. Dormitory. Rearrange the letters to become - Dirty Room.
And for the Grande Finale:
Yep! Someone has waaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! Clever though.
Ron P, 20 April.
As you may have realised, churches and all places of worship are closed at the present time. However the various religious denominations continue to put out bulletins over various websites. In case you have missed some of these, they are given below:
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
The Sermon this morning : Jesus walks on water.
The Sermon tonight: searching for Jesus.
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around your house. Bring your husband.
Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again”, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
A potluck supper will be held on Sunday at 5.00 pm. - prayer and medication to follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7.00 pm., there will be hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The Low Esteem Support Group will meet next Thursday at 7.00 pm. Please use the back door.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7.00 pm. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the Church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday - “ I Upped my Pledge - Up Yours”.
A man was telling his neighbour “ I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars , but it is state of the art. It is perfect.”
“ Really answered the neighbour... what kind is it?”.
“Twelve thirty “ was the reply.
While it is still Sunday, and you are supposed to be indoors, let us remind ourselves of some of the signs seen outside our local Churches
Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the snake, and the snake didn’t have a leg to stand on.
There are some questions that just can’ be answered by Google.
Down in the mouth? Come in for a faith lift.
As you pass this little church, be sure to plan a visit, so when at last you get carried in, God won’t need to ask “ Who is it?”
Let us help you study for your final exams.
We are the SOUL AGENTS in this area.
Please don’t drink and drive. You are not ready to meet me yet.
If you miss the sunrise I made for you today, never mind. I’ll make another one tomorrow.
How can you be a self made man. I specifically remember creating you.
If you think the Mona Lisa is stunning, you should look at my masterpiece - the mirror.
What part of “ Thou shalt not.......” didn’t you understand.
Big Bang Theory..... You have got to be kidding!

Ron P, 19 April

A Blonde’s Year in Review.  (All complaints should be directed to the auther of this Post (below)).

January: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....”duh”.....bottles won’t fit in typewriter!!!
March: Got excited.......finished jigsaw in 6 months.... box said “2-4 years!”
April: Trapped on escalator for hours....power went out!!!
May: Tried to make a Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!!
June: Tried to go water skiing.... couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July: Lost breaststroke swimming competition...learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.
August: Got locked out of car in rainstorm.... car swamped, because top was down.
September: The capital of California is “C”.......isn’t it???
October: Hate M & M’s....they are so hard to peel.
November: Baked turkey for 6 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per kilo, and I weigh....none of your business.
December: Couldn’t call 911......” dur” ....there is no “eleven” button on the phone!!!!
What a year that was!!
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the 1st. exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the 1st. pen and there was a sign attached that said, “THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR”.
The wife playfully nudged her husband In the ribs and said - “He mated 50 times last year”
They walked to the 2nd. pen which had a sign attached that said, “THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR”. The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said “That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him”. They walked to the 3rd. pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters “THIS BULL HAS MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR”.
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband’s ribs, said “That’s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one”.
The husband looked at her and said ............”Go over and ask him if it was the same cow!!”
The husband’s condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.
Ron P, 18 April

Confusion on the Pier:

Three old guys were out walking:  
Rod said "Windy. isn't it?!"
Bob said "No, it's Thursday!"
Col said " So am I. Let's go get a beer"

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Ron P, 17 April.

Well today there is good news and there is not so good news:

The good news is that our alcoholic man who keeps finding a bar to enter (and cause trouble) is alive but not too happy. We left him yesterday having imbibed what he thought was someone else’s whiskey but then told it contained poison. Thinking he was about to die caused him to wake up from his nightmare that he was having in a cold sweat. The not so good news is that he woke up with a terrible hangover. He thought this was some sort of omen and a warning to stay away from any bars that he might wander past.
He therefore made an immediate decision to sober up and not go out - for two days. He thought by then he would have come to his senses and would “return to the bar”.
This means a couple of days that our website editor doesn’t have to groan through another episode “in the life of.....”.
BUT WAIT.... we move from the alcoholic to the Chocaholic.
Most of you should have collected a few Easter Bunnies or chocolate eggs last weekend and are now wondering how to finish off the last of the leftovers.

Below I give you “The Rules of Chocolate”.

  1. If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you are eating it too slowly.
  2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
  3. Problem: How to get 2 kg. of chocolate home from the shop in a hot car.   Solution: Eat the chocolate in the car park.
  1. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It will take the edge off your appetite and you will eat less.
  2. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?
  3. If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all of your chocolate, what is wrong with you?
  4. Money talks. Chocolate sings.
  5. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
  6. Why is there no such organisation as Chocolates Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.
  7. Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your to do list today. That way, at least you will get one thing done today.

Ron P, 17 April


.......and settles down with his drink next to a little fellow who is staring miserably at his scotch. After about 20 minutes, the little guy is still sitting there, so our man grabs the scotch and drinks it down. The little chap starts to cry.

‘Hey, I’m sorry,’ says our man, ‘but I thought maybe you didn’t want it. Let me buy you another’.

‘No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep, get to work late, and my boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find it is stolen. I get a cab home but leave my wallet in it. I get inside my front door and find my wife in bed with my brother.’

‘Then to top it all off, I come to this bar, and just as I’m thinking of finishing it all, you show up and drink my poison.’

So: is this the end of our wandering alcoholic barfly? Has he entered a bar for the last time? Perhaps he is enjoying Happy Hour 24/7 in that heavenly bar above or was the poison not strong enough to see him off? Will he do a Harold Bishop from Neighbours who got washed out to sea on a camping trip but returned five years later?

For the answer, log in to this website tomorrow to find out what really happened to him.

DIET GUIDES: What fits your busy schedule better, exercising one hour a day, or being dead 24 hours a day?

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be too afraid to cough.

TIMELESS TRUTHS: Foreign aid may be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. (Douglas Casey).

Ron P, 16 April

Some Suggestions for Self Isolation:

With this coronavirus making people spend more time at home, either with their loved ones or on their own – here are a few suggestions of things to do. 
  1. Catch up on that book that you were meaning to read.

       2. Do a crossword puzzle, jigsaw puzzles,

  1. Declutter your house, wardrobes.
  1. Organise your photos.
  1. Sit in the backyard and read a book.
  1. Finish a DIY project you started by didn’t have time for.
  1. Exercise inside or go for a walk.
  1. Bake a Cake.
Stay Safe.
Marek T, 15 April

Here we go again:


only to be thrown out by the bouncer for not wearing a tie. He goes back to his car to move on, then is struck by an idea.   Pulling out his battery jumper leads, he ties them around his neck, and goes back into the bar again. “There you go”, he grins. “You didn’t say what sort of tie”.  “Alright, you can come in”, says the bouncer. “But don’t start anything”.

DIET GUIDES: The handle on your recliner does not qualify as an exercise machine.

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

TIMELESS TRUTHS: A government who robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. (George Bernard Shaw).

Ron P, 15 April

The story of the Bar Fly continues - and some more wise words from one of our members:


.......this time with a crocodile and asks the barman if he serves lawyers.
   ‘Sure do,’ replies the barman.
   ‘Good’ says our man.
‘A pint of lager for me then, and a lawyer for the croc’.

DIET GUIDES: I’m going to order a broiled skinless chicken breast, but I want you to bring me lasagna and garlic bread by mistake!

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: You only need two tools in life - WD- 40 and duct tape.
       If it doesn’t move but should, use the WD - 40.
       If it shouldn’t move but does, use the duct tape.

Ron P, 14 April

Bob - Before and After. Pick the difference:

First prize - A four year old Lions Christmas Cake found during a cupboard clean out. (Mmm mmm - yum!).

20200413 150913

Bob and Marg H, 14 April

That Man Walks into Another Bar:

......and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, along with a bowl of peanuts. As the man dips in for a nut, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. ‘Wow, you look fabulous tonight!’ it says.’ Great hair, great aftershave...a class act all the way!’

The man is a little confused, so he gets up to get some cigarettes from the machine. He puts in his money, and another voice says: ‘Hey dorkhead. You gonna foul up the air around me any longer? Shoulda stayed at home, you should, with a face like that.

The man reels backwards and asks the barman what on earth is going on. ‘Didn’t you see the sign sir? The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order.’

Ron P, 13 April

Some Wise Words from Winnie Churchill:

Diet Guide for the day: The healthiest part of a donut is the hole. Unfortunately, you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there!

Simple Home Remedies: A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

Timeless Truths: “I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle”.

(Winston Churchill).

Ron P, 13 April

Rember the Good Old Days? Pre-corona Virus - Cowes (23 Feb 2020):

243 1965

A Message from Leunig:

DSC 0003 1586568344105 2

 Marek T, 11 April

Lessons We Learned in the Past Few Weeks:

  1. Rich people are in fact less immune than the poor.
  2. No astrologers can save any patient.
  3. Health professionals are worth more than football legends.
  4. Animals most likely feel the same way in the zoo, as we do in quarantine.
  5. The planet regenerates quickly without human interference.
  6. Oil is worthless in a society without consumption.
  7. Majority of people can comfortably work from home
  8. Everyone can survive without junk food.
  9. Living a hygienic life is not at all difficult.
  10. Men can cook too.
  11. Media is full of nonsense.
  12. Actors are just entertainers, not heroes.
  13. Life is so fragile, handle with care.

Ron P, 10 April

Another Man Walks Into a Bar:

......with a roll of tarmac(bitumin) under his arm and says:
“ Pint please, and one for the road”.

Followed by Another Man:

.......who sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet.
“ Does your dog bite?” He asks.
A few minutes later the dog takes a chunk out of his leg.
“I thought you said your dog didn’t bite,” the man yells.
“That’s not my dog”.

Ron P, 10 April

Some Wise Comments:

Diet Guide for the day: I have metal fillings in my teeth. My refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen. That’s why I can’t loose weight.
Simple Home Remedy For The Day: Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
Timeless Truths: “If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.” (Mark Twain).

Ron P., 10 April

Social distancing at work - or the result of a disagreement:

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Ron - the Walking Nut:

  1. You have six pairs of knee length woollen socks, of which three come in sunset red.
  2. You can prepare a cheese and tomato sandwich with just one hand.
  3. You wear an Akubra hat, but just as a post modern statement.
  4. You tie plastic bags around your boots when you enter a coffee shop.
  5. You swap blister stories like an army veteran.
  6. Not only do you know that dock leaves cure nettle stings, but you actually know what a dock leaf looks like.
  7. You know the difference between a weed and an orchid without having to refer to google.
  8. You paper your walls with old Vicmaps.
  9. You make one teabag last for at least four walks.
  10. You know you're obsessed, but as walking is truly the greatest pleasure on this earth, then so what!Ron.

Ron P, 09 April


Ron Walks into a Bar:

......with a dog. ‘This dog is the smartest dog in the world,’ he says.’ He can answer any question.’ ‘ Oh yeah.’ says the barman.’ Prove it!’ Ron turns to his dog, and asks,’What is above our head?’ ‘Roof,!’ ‘How does bark feel.’ ‘Ruff!’ ‘ Give me a girl‘s name.’ ‘ Ruth!’ The other drinkers,growing tired of the show, throw the man and his dog out of the bar. The dog turns to Ron and asks, ‘ Should I have said Elizabeth?’

Ron P, 09 April

Returning from Overseas!:

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask you a favor ?
'Of course child, What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought for  my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I am afraid they will confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps ? 
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
"With your  face, Father, no one will question you"
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous Instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 
"Go ahead, Father.
Next Please..."
Muriel P, 08 April

A Man Went Into a Bar:

...and says ‘Got any grapes?’ The barman says: ‘Grapes? Course I haven’t got any grapes. This is a pub.’
The man leaves, but is back the next night. ‘Got any grapes?’
‘Look,’ says the barman, ‘I already told you I don’t have any grapes.
You ask me that one more time, I’ll nail your head to the bar.’
The man leaves again, but sure enough he’s there the following night.
‘Got any nails?’
The barman looks puzzled. ‘No’
‘Good. Got any grapes?’

Ron P, 08 April


Enrol in a distance learning course for studying to be an Astronaut.  Now is a good time to escape Earth for twelve months, and there's no restrictions on inter-galactic travel.

Col P, 08 April

The Committee Members Lament:

Oh, give me some pity, I’m on a committee.
Which means that from morning to night,
we attend and amend and contend and defend,
without a conclusion insight.
We confer and concur, we defer and demur,
and reiterate all of our thoughts.
we revise the agenda with frequent addenda,
and consider a load of reports.
We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose,
and the points of procedure are fun,
but though various notions are bought up as a motions;
there’s terribly little gets done!
We resolve and absolve but we never dissolve,
since it’s out of the question with us.
What a shattering pity to end our committee...
Where else would we make such a fuss?
Ron P.  07 April

Life Before the Computer:

  • Memory was something you lost with age.
  • An application was for employment.
  • A program was a TV show.
  • A cursor used profanity.
  • A keyboard was a piano.
  • A web was a spider’s home.
  • A virus was the flu.
  • A CD was a bank account.
  • A hard drive was a long trip on the road.
  • A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
  • And if you had a 3 1/2-inch floppy - you just hoped nobody found out.

Ron P. 07 April

A Prayer for Older People – and Bushwalkers:

Father. Thou knowest I am growing older.
Keep me from becoming talkative and possessed with the idea that I must express myself on every subject.
Release me from the craving to straighten out everyone’s affairs.
Keep my mind free from the recital of endless detail.
Seal my lips when I’m inclined to tell of my aches and pains.
Teach me the glorious the lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.
Make me thoughtful but not moody, helpful but not bossy.
with my vast store or of wisdom and experience, it seems a pity to use it all,
but Thou knowest, Lord, that I want to keep my friends until the end.
Ron P. 07 April

Dreaming of Ancestors:

I dreamt I saw my ancestors all standing in a row.
Some were handsome, brave and true, but some were not quite so.
One had to run away to sea in search of a foreign gold.
Many had died in Scottish soil, fighting thee English foe.
no all enmity forgot they stood there in a row.
I looked at them; they looked at me - What does she want to know?”
“Who are you all, where did you live?” At last at last night I know.
There stories wide and varied, I listened to spell bound.
Next day I would repeat them, with my family all around.
My family tree complete at last, how sad it is to know.
I only dreamt of ancestors all standing in a row.
Ron P. 07 April

A Past Experience on the Great North Trail (NSW):

Can't climb up, can't go down,
What am I doin' ? Suppose known as hanging aroun'.
Walkin' is fun, but not as a run. Am slip, slidin' plenty: will dem up front ever slow down?
Not jolly likely, and oh crickey: endless climbin', jumpin' and hurryin' must be fun?
What to do next? Must find an exit.
No chance of dat, with smoke dere by track. We come to da end, walkin' into safe suburbia, den find liquid relief with hydration aplenty.
End of day, what can we say, time for new boots to keep dat slippin' away.
Sad to see toenails are departin' their moorin'; meanin' old boots must be retirin''.
How different 'tis with new treads underfoot: slippin' no more, now a safety boot. Why did not listen earlier to all dat advice? New boots needed: but can't believe price!
Happiness aboundin'; majority decidin' less walkIn'; exceptin' them two remainin' who plannin' more not less!
Off they go, in early mornin' to sound of majority snorin'.

Rose P. 07 April

Another Little Ditty:

"Sob, sob" goes Mr Bob; "daily routine has gone to the dogs.
Early cafè coffee and no more; even no horseracing guide to score.
Some push biking allowed; walking sans friends avowed."
In desperation he asks "Would crochet be alive?"
Sorry Mr Bob, 'tis croquet tool which does that thing; do move quickly to miss my swing.

Rose P. 07 April

A Day at Home - Alone:

Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing. The hoover was very unsympathetic... told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over!The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip.? The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ........yes, you guessed it ?.....pull myself together.

Rod C. 06 April.

A Little Ditty:

A friendly EBC walker called Col,
Enjoys company and a long stroll,
Arrival of COVID-19: EBC is hardly the social scene,
Col looks forward to walking & re-socialising in his Keen.

Rose P.  06 April


A competition - a weekly photo on Facebook. Members to post a caption for the photo. I guess the committee could decide the winning entry.

Also, a joke of the week.

Marek. T, 05 April.

Weekend Notes (and now weekdays too):

The following weblink suggested by Liz may offer some appealing activities and past times:   

Liz. S, 02 April.

Home Improvements:

Attend to those half-finished projects at home or start some new ones.

Communicate and Assist:

Pass on important information to other members who don’t have access to the internet; and assist them to apply for online services.

Keeping in Contact with Family and Friends:

If you’re new to internet technology, then this may be a time to learn something new. How to keep in contact with others, by using Skype – which is free. It’s an App that can be downloaded to a computer, laptop, Tablet or smart phone, and uses the internet to connect to others. When you download the App, create an account, then ask your contacts to also open an account – and off you go.   The following weblink will assist you with Skype ( Another option is used by our committee – Free Conference Call (   There are plenty of tutorials for these applications on the internet. Otherwise your three-year-old grandchild will know how to use them.   Note: video and audio conference calls will eat into your internet data allowance.   Face Time is also available on iPhones and iPads.


I’m currently teaching my computer how to understand mumbling and gibberish (Voice Recognition). I’m also learning to write with my other hand.  So now I’m talking to an inanimate object while writing illegible words on a notepad. Now that’s multi-tasking!

Col P, 01 April.

 Distance Learning with U3A:

Check out U3A online distance learning classes. The University of the Third Age (U3A) is a volunteer organisation that run courses for residents over the age of 50.   Generally, there is a U3A operating in most Municipalities, and are supported by the local Councils. Their classroom courses have been suspended, but online courses are still available. Check the following link for more details: (


Local Councils and not-for-profit organisations may need extra volunteers for their support programs.   Check out the volunteer Victoria Website for more information: (

Read Some Books:

Join a library and download eBooks, audio books and newspapers to your computer, Tablet or smart phone. The Melbourne City library have a good variety of electronic literature: (

 More Suggestions from Bushwalking Victoria:

The following link includes additional suggestions for members and the committee to consider:


Where’s Doctor Who in our time of need? Probably hurtling through the Universe on another futile mission to “exterminate” the Daleks.

Note:   The Doctor’s pixie-face side kick from a few years ago really is a time traveller.   One minute she’s Queen Victoria, then she’s in modern-day outback Australia hiding the body of her dead baby.

Superman is probably still chatting up Lois, and who knows what Batman and Robin are doing!

Col P, 31 March


Don’t stay inside all day watching TV, surfing the internet and reading books. That may turn you into a couch potato in no time. So, go outside occasionally and get some exercise (observing current restrictions), but don’t fall over - like I did.

 A Little Story:

I’ve just returned from a fantastic holiday since the Corona Virus lock down – the supermarket.   It only took me 45 minutes to walk the round trip, but I didn’t stay long because I’ve seen it all before.   It’s free entry but the souvenirs are expense.   However, I picked up some gems like fruit, vegetables and bread – but not toilet paper, because I’ve forgotten what it looks like.   I’ll probably go back there again, but to spice it up a bit, I’ll walk a different route, and then I’ll wander around the isles in a different direction.   Then on the following visit, I’ll walk around the aisles from the middle, outwards.   When I’m really confident about leaving home, I’ll go to a different supermarket.   I think after six months I would have visited all of these theme parks in the whole of Victoria.

Col P, 30 March

About Essendon Bushwalking Club

The Club was formed in 1975, and is a major club servicing the Northern and Western suburbs.

The main theme of the club is to enjoy the great outdoors and through participation learn new skills and have FUN!