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Please observe current restrictions regarding self-isolation, public gatherings and social distancing.

To help stay connected during this difficult year, below are suggestions on how to pass the time during extended isolation - including some light-hearted stories and other comments from our members. But don’t get too enthusiastic with these suggestions, because we want you back walking again.

Right now, dear old Mother Earth needs more PATIENCE; not more PATIENTS!

Local Essendon Heritage Walks:
Below are links to websites which include Heritage walks around the Essendon area.  These walks may be of particular interest during the current lockdown for members living within 5 kms of Essendon.
Essendon Heritage Walks (1)
Essendon Heritage Walks (2).

Tony C.  21 Sep 2020


THE LORD ANDTHE HARLEY RIDER.
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach,
when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice,
the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii
so I can ride over any time I want."
The Lord said, " Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges
 for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the
 Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It would nearly exhaust several
 natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
wordly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, " Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries,
what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make Woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, " You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
                                   ````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
                                              DOES THIS REMIND YOU OF ANYONE.
I was having trouble with my computer so I called the 11 year old boy next door
 whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
He clicked a couple of buttons and solved  the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an I D ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
 "An I D ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
He grinned, Haven't you ever heard of an I D ten T error before?"
"No", I replied.
"Write it down ," he said, "and I think you will figure it out ."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T ….
I used to like that little boy!!!
Ron P. 23 Sep 2020

 

$50 is $50.
Morris and his wife Esther went to the State Fair every year,
and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I  know Morris, but that helicopter
ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year Esther and Morris  went to the fair, and Morris said,
 "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter,
I might never get another chance."
To this, Esther replied, " Morris, that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,
and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.
 I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride
and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
fancy manoeuvrers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil
 tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly,
 I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, " Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"
Ron P. 22 Sep2020

 JOHN’S EGG BUSINESS.

John was in the fertilised egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets’, and ten roosters to fertilise the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on his porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells
John’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but he noticed this morning that old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells – a – ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.  
To John’s amazement old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.
He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
                                                       “That’s terrible Muriel”
                                    ``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
                                                    QUESTION TIME.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps
 so the postie can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Why do the banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds;
when they already know you are broke?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
What hair colour do they put on the passports of bald men?
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
Ron P.  21 Sep 2020

 

THE BLONDE GUY.
 The first ever Blonde Guy joke..... and well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20 th. Floor of a building.
They were eating lunch, and the Irishman said , “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building!”
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again!  If I get Burritos one more time, I’m going to jump off too!”
The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw Burrito, and jumped too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said,” If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and  cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”
The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him enchiladas or tacos! I didn’t realise he hated Burritos so much.”
                                                   (Wait for it – this sooo GOOD).
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said, “ Don’t look at me. He makes his own lunch!”
RonP. 19 Sep 2020

ANNIVERSARY.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
“What’s the matter dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16,” he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “ Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”
“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued . “ Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?”
“ I remember that too ,” she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said....” “ I would have gotten out today!”
                                       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WIFE VERSUS HUSBAND.
 
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, pigs and goats, the husband
asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep.” The wife replied, “In–laws.”
Ron P. 18 Sep 2020

 

FINANCIAL ADVICE.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “ I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “ but in just a few years, my father will die , and I’ll inherit $20 million.”
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card, and three months later she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Ron P 17 Sep 2020
MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL.
 
Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.
Shrek said, “I have always thought I was the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?”
Angelina Jolie agreed. “ I’m told I’m the most gorgeous woman of them all, but sometimes I wonder.”
Brad Pitt said, “ I’m pretty sure I’m the sexiest man alive, but I’ve never had it confirmed.”
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking ‘mirror, mirror on the wall’ to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous, and Brad Pitt was the sexiest.
They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day, Shrek walked up with a smile. “Well, it’s true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.”
Angelina Jolie looked at them with her gorgeous face and said. “ And I can now confirm that I am the most gorgeous woman alive.”
Brad Pitt lifted his sad face and said.....
~
~
~
~
“Who the hell is Ron Bell???”
Ron P. 15Sep2020

SIAMESE TWINS. 
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, “ Don’t mind us, we’re joined at the hip.
I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Canadian beers please.”
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers.
“ Been on holiday yet lads?”
“Off to England next month,” says John. ”We go to England every year
and hire a car, and drive for miles, don’t we Jim?”
Jim  agrees.
“ Ah, England!,” says the bartender. “ Wonderful country....
the history, the beer, the culture...”
“ Nah, we don ;t like that British crap,” says John. Hamburgers
and Canadian beer, that’s us, eh Jim?
And we can’t stand the English – they’re so arrogant and rude.”
“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.
“ It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive!”
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says: “ So you would love her.”
“But God,” the man says,?” “ why did you make her so dumb?”
God says: “ So she would love you.”
Ron P. 14 Sep 2020

 PARAPROSDOKIAN. Part 4.

Here are a few more for you to enjoy and maybe have a chuckle.
Don‘t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Being smart is knowing how to get out of a tough situation. Being wise is not getting into it in the first place.
Being second is to be the first of the ones who lose.
It is a terrible thing to see and have no vision.
Always swim or dive with a friend. It reduces your chance of shark attack by 50%.
You’re not yourself today. It’s nice.
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
I used to be conceited, but now I’m perfect.
My days of not taking you seriously are coming to a middle.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as you please.
It’s the least I can do, and I always like to do the least.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I hate to say “I told you so”. so I’m going to shout it really loud.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Laughter is the best medicine, if you don’t have insurance.
They said I could become anything. So I became a disappointment.
A modest man, who has much to be modest about.
I can’t thank you enough, you’re never happy are you?
 Ron P.  12 Sep 2020

The following Link is the weelky Quiz for Friday the 11th of September 2020: docSuperquiz 9.                                         
Marek T.  11 Sep 2020
 SMART OFF THE TOP ANSWERS.
          It was meal time during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or No, " she replied.
                                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                                                                       
           A woman was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket,
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead.         
                                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
          The policeman got out of his car and the teenager
he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day, " the cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing,
he sent the teenager on his way without a ticket.
                                           ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
          A lorry driver was driving along a country road.
A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab
and said to the driver, " Got stuck, hey?"
The lorry driver said,
 " No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"
                                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                     -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                THE IMPORTANCE OF WALKING.
              I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
              The only reason I took up walking was so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
              I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing....
              Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
              I know I got a lot of exercise the  last few years,.....just getting over the hill.
              If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.
              We all get heavier as we get older, because there is a lot more information in our heads.
                                                   That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
               Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
                                               I just find a Happy Hour 
                                 and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
Ron P.  11 Sep 2020

 

OLD RANCHER.
A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher. " I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."
The old rancher said, " Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The Water representative said, " Hey Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me. See this card? This card allows me to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.
Later. the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep. running for the fence...…..and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep. with every step.
The Rep. was clearly terrified...… so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools , ran to the fence and shouted out...…
……."Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"
                                                                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE IRISH BLONDE.
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, and rolled the dice and yelled, " Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed "YES, YES, I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.
Finally, one of them asked , " What did she roll?" The other answered, " I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Moral Of The Story:
                                Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men
Ron P. 10 Sep 2020

 

THE COWBOY.
A successful rancher dies and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the ranchers widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned about two thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the ranchers
widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
" Unbutton my blouse and take it off, " she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
" Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
" Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently  and placed them neatly by her boots.
" Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
" Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever
wear my clothes into town again , you're fired."
( Caught you. Bet you didn't see that coming).
Ron P. 8 Sep 2020

 

PARAPROSDOKIAN. Part 3.
So here are a few more for you to enjoy and maybe have a chuckle.
                          
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won‘t expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they are at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can‘t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
There’s a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually use water.
You are never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
                                       Have a great day – or pretend to!
Ron P. 05 Sep 2020

 THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS.......

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
‘Bob, do you have a story to share.’
‘ Yes ma’am. My dad told a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whisky, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last of the enemy with her bare hands.’
‘ Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘ What kind of moral did your dad tell you from this horrible story?’
  ‘ Stay far away from Aunt Nancy when she’s drinking.’
                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WIFE FROM HELL.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 100 km. per hour sir.”
The driver says, “ Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 80, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says,” Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “ Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once.”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “ You should be thankful your radar went off when it did.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,” Dammit woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut.”
The officer frowns and says, “ And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75.00 fine.”
The driver says,” Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over, so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
His wife says,” Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt on when you are driving.”
And as the police officer is writing the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “ WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?”
Wait for it.........this is the best part....:
 “ Only when he’s been drinking.”
Ron P.  4 Sep 2020
THE HUSBAND  STORE.
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: 
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
“That’s nice,” she thinks, “ but I want more.”
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: 
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop Dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” She exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop Dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 32,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that loves sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third ,fourth,fifth,and sixth floors have never been visited.
Ron P 03 Sep 2020

AN UNHAPPY MARRIAGE.
Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious, dark sided underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie’. Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out of a spouse was $10,000.
The husband said that he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Costco Warehouse. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, ol’ Argie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested .
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared.
 ( Wait for it.... you’re going to hate me for this...)
    ‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ COSTCO.
Ron P.  2 Sep 2020

 PARAPROSDOKIAN (Part 2).

So here are a few more for you to enjoy and maybe have a chuckle.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
You can always depend on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.
If I could just say a few words….I’d be a better public speaker.
I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.
Behind every great man there’s a woman, rolling her eyes.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
One time a guy handed me a picture and said,” Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger.
Standing in the park today, I was wondering why a Frisbee looks larger the closer it gets… then it hit me.
There are three kinds of people in the world – those who can count, and those who can’t.
She thinks I’m too critical. That’s another fault of hers.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Gravity is a contributing factor in 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Ron P. 01 Sep 2020

 PARAPROSDOKIAN.

A word not found in most dictionaries:
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.
You would need to be a very good scrabble player to get this word out in a couple of hands, particularly with only 2xP and 1xK in a scrabble set.
Anyway, here are a few to amuse you for today, some of which may already have been seen/heard as one liners if you have been on walks with Rod C
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it is still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we would both be wrong.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with “Good Evening,” then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
To steal from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay cheques.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
When I fill out an application in the part that says,”In case of an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. [Is this a hint for Walk Sheets?]
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
                           ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EIGHT HARD TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING UP THAT ARE FULL OF WISDOM.
  1. Nobody has the answers.
  2. Authority is arbitrary.
  3. You will never “find” time. You have to make it.
  4. Nobody is thinking about you. People are thinking of themselves.
  5. It’s harder to be kind than clever.
  6. Everybody hurts.
  7. Life is not supposed to be fair. And we are supposed to live with it.
  8. Not everything would make sense immediately. You need to wait sometimes.
Ron P 31 Aug 2020

INSURANCE REPORTS.
          The following quotes are actual statements as found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarise the details of an accident in the fewest words possible. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.
“Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”
“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.”
“I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand through it.”
“A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.”
“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”
“The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed for the embankment.”
“As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign has ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident,”
“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian,”
“My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.”
“I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.”
“The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.”
“The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”
“The invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.”
“I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the bonnet of my car.”
“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.”
“I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”
“The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.”
“I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”
“I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.”
“In my attempt to hit a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
                       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: Some folk are wise, and some other wise.
Ron P. 28 Aug 2020

ANYONE FOR BACON?
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...….
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?  Ees bacon, I is sure of it."
" Si, Luis. it smells like bacon to meee."
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There is raw bacon, dripping with moisture,  there is fried bacon, back bacon , double smoked bacon.... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat. 
" Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. Ees a bacon tree."
" Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that.... Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following close behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded, but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
" Pepe.... go back, you was right , ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis, Luis, mi amigo... what ees it?"
"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...
Ees.
Ees.
Ees.
Ees a Ham Bush...….
Ron P.  27 Aug 2020

CURTAIN RODS.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a kilo of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods..
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally , they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her of the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 10% of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paper work.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...…
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!!!
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE A HAPPY ENDING?
Ron P. 26 Aug 2020

AGE IN PERSPECTIVE.
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old? Well here is one to think about!
My name is Mary Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school some 30 odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Local Park Secondary School.
“Yes, yes I did. I’m a localler!” he beamed with pride.
“When did you leave to go to college?” I asked.
He answered, “ In 1965, why do you ask?”
“ You were in my class! “ I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then the ugly,
Old,
Bald,
Wrinkled,
Fat bellied,
Grey haired,
Decrepit,
Bastard asked...
“WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?“
Ron P.  25Aug 2020

SPOUSAL SUPPORT.
A very cranky old woman was arrested for shop lifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away, complaining and criticising throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied:- “ Just a stupid can of peaches.”
The judge then asked her why she had done it.
She replied:- “ I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store.”
The judge asked :- “ Just how many peaches were in the can?”
She replied :- “ Nine, but what do you care about that?”
The judge patiently said :- “ Well, ma’am, I’m going to give you nine days in jail- - one day for each peach.”
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady’s long suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.
The judge said :- “ Yes, what do you have to add?”
The husband said :- “ Your Honour, she also stole a can of peas.”
Ron P.  22 Aug 2020

TALKING DOG FOR SALE.

A guy is driving around the back streets of Melbourne and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: “ Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
“ You talk?” He asks.
“Yeah,” the Lab. replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, “ So what’s your story?”
The Lab. looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told ASIO.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.”
“I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals..
I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“ Because he’s a liar. He’s never been out of the yard.”
                       ( If you don’t laugh at that, you have no sense of humour.)
Ron P 22 Aug 2020
SNOW PLOUGHING IN DUBLIN.
On a bitterly cold morning, a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the Snowplough can get through.” So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later, while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “ We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the Snowplough can get through.” The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “ We are expecting 12to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park.....” Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face, she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so that the Snowplough can get through?”
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied.............
“Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”
Ron P 20 Aug 2020
WHAT IS CELIBACY?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend a friend and his wife listened to the instructor declare:
“It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other...”
He then addressed the men, “ Can you name and describe your wife’s favourite flower?”
My friend leaned over, gently touched his wife’s hand and whispered:
“ Self-raising, isn’t it?”
And thus began his life of celibacy.........
                                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bob and his wife were out horse riding, when Bob suddenly turned around and realised that his wife had fallen off her horse.
This was a great relief to Bob, as an hour before he’d thought he’d gone deaf!
                                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IRISH TEXT MESSAGE.
“ Mary, l’m just having one more pint with the lads.
If I’m not home in 20 minutes, read this message again.”
Ron P 19 Aug 2020
WOULD YOU MARRY AGAIN?
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.....
WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “ Of course I do...”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “ Okay, okay,I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “ You would?” (With a hurt look)
HUSBAND:   (Makes audible groan)
WIFE: “ Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “ Sure, it’s a great house.”
WIFE: “ Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “ Probably, it’s almost new.”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “ That would seem like the proper thing to do”
WIFE: “ Would you give her my jewellery?”
HUSBAND: “ No, I’m sure she would want her own.”
WIFE: “ Would you take her golfing with you?”
HUSBAND: “Yes, those are always good times.”
WIFE: “ Would she use my clubs?”
HUSBAND: “ No, she’s left handed.”
WIFE: - -
silence - -
HUSBAND: “Oops.   #*@%.“
                                               ……………………………………………………
THE DROVER AT THE PEARLY GATES.
A drover from a huge cattle station in the outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“ Have you done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“ Well, I can think of one thing, “ the drover offered.
“ Once on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.” I yelled, “Now back off!! Or I’ll kick the hell out of the lot of ya!”
St. Peter was impressed, “ When did this happen?”
“A couple of minutes ago.”
Ron P 13 Aug 2020
THE IRISH 999 CALL.
An Irish woman is cleaning her husband's rifle and accidentally shoots him. She immediately dials 999.   
    (= 000 in Australia).
Irish Woman : "It's my husband! I've accidentally shot him. I've killed him!"
Operator: " Please calm down ma'am. Can you first make sure he is actually dead!"
*click*.. *BANG*
Irish Woman: " Okay, I've done dat...………………………………… What's next?"
                                                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
…… and God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world...
                                                      …… then He made the earth round and laughed.
                                             ``````````````````````````````````````````````````````
BOB & THE BLONDE.
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9.58 pm. and sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10.00 pm. news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said. "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well , I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money  I saw this earlier on the 5.00 pm. news, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, " I did too. but I didn't think he'd do it again."
                                            Bob took the money.
Ron P. 11 Aug 2020
ONE FOR THE LAW FRATERNITY.
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
" We don't have money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
" Well then, you can come to my house and I'll feed you." the lawyer said.
" But sir , I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer said.
Turning to the other poor man, he stated, "You may come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, " But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me."
" Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no mean feat, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You  will really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
                                
( Come on now … you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart warming lawyer story... did you?)
Ron P.  10 Aug 2020
STUDENT WHO FAILED HIS EXAM.
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
  1. His last one.
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
  1. At the bottom of the page.
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
  1. Liquid.
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
  1. Marriage.
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
  1. Exams.
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
  1. Lunch and dinner.
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
  1. The other half.
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?
  1. It will simply become wet.
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
. No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
  1. You will never find an elephant with one hand.
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three in the other hand, what would you have?
  1. Very large hands.
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
  1. No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
  1. Any way you want. Concrete floors are very hard to crack.
                                            He got a result of 0%.
                                       I would have given him 100%.
               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MUST BE TIME FOR A FEW IRISH ONES.
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, “Do you want the winner of the next race? “   Paddy replies, “ No tanks, l’ve only got a small garden.”
Paddy and Mick find three hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station. Mick says, “ What if one explodes before we get there?”
Paddy replies, “We’ll lie and say we only found two!”
A coach load of Paddy’s on a mystery coach tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going...... the driver won 52 pounds!
Paddy’s racing snail is not winning races any more , so he decided to take it’s shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn’t work, if anything, it made him more sluggish.
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says, “ Bejesas, l’ve just found a sandwich which looks like a bomb.” The operator asks, “ Is it tickin?” Paddy says, “ No I think it’s beef.”
Joe says to Paddy, “ Close your curtains the next time you’re making love to your wife . The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.” Paddy says, “ Well the jokes on them stupid because I wasn’t even home yesterday.”
Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says,” Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?” Paddy says, “ Well me and Mary haven’t been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor.”
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs, and they’re going to drill for their own oil.
Paddy says to Mick - “ I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I’m going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.”
Mick asks, “ So what are you going to do this year.”
Paddy replies, “ I’ll take her with me!”
Paddy says to Mick, Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
Mick says, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him, “Did you find the shampoo?”
Paddy says,” Yes, but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”

Ron P. 07 Aug 2020.


A few one liners to keep you awake for the rest of the day.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother in law to the airport.

My friend just told me:- “ Someone stole all my credit cards but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.”

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

Mrs. Cohen’s doctor called, saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back.”

Mrs. Cohen answered, “ So did my arthritis!”

Doctor: “ You’ll live to be 60.”

Patent: “I am 60.”

Doctor: “ See! What did I tell you?”

A drunk was in front of the judge. The judge say’s, “ You’ve been brought here for drinking.”

The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the school play. She asks, “ What part is it?”

The boy says, “ I play the part of the Jewish husband.”

The mother scowls and says, “ Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

Why men shouldn’t be “Agony Aunts.”

Dear Phil.

I left home for work last week and after less than a mile, my car stalled and wouldn’t start. I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter. They announced that the affair had been going on for two years. Can you help me.....I’m desperate.

Dear Reader. The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps. Phil.

My friend woke up at 8.00 am. this morning and could smell that something was wrong. He got downstairs and found his wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! He panicked and didn't’ know what to do. Then he remembered that McDonald’s served breakfast until 11.30 am.

News just in. There is a female ref. for the United v City match today. The kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.

Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, and said on the envelope DO NOT BEND. Paddy is still wondering how to pick the letter up!

Ron P.   06 Aug 2020.
A BLONDE GOES TO HEAVEN.
A blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St. Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. “ I’m sorry, “ St. Peter said; “ But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.”
“That’s cool,” says the blonde, “ What does the Entrance Exam consist of. “
“ Just three questions,” said St. Peter.
“The first,” said St. Peter, is, “Which two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’? “ “The second is, How many seconds are there in a year.“ “The third is, What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?”
“Now “, said St. Peter, “ Go away and think about those three questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.”
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought ( as I expect you are now doing the same!).
The following morning, St. Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replies, “ I have.”
“Well then,” said St. Peter, “Which two days of the week start with the letter ‘T?’
 The blonde said, “Today and Tomorrow.”
St. Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
“Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions.” St. Peter went on, “ How many seconds in a year.”
The blonde replied, “ Twelve.”
“ Only twelve” exclaimed St. Peter, “How did you arrive at that figure.”
“Easy,” said the blonde, “ there’s the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve.”
St. Peter looked at the blonde and said, “ I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.” And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St. Peter returned to the blonde. “I’ll allow the answer to stand , but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda.”
The blonde replied: “Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer”
Really!” Exclaimed St. Peter, And what is the answer.”
       “It’s Andy.”
       “Andy?”
      “Yes, Andy,” said the blonde.
This totally floored St. Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked, “How in God’s name did you arrive at that answer?”
“Easy,” said the blonde, “Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.”
         And the blonde entered Heaven......
         {Don’t you just love it? I bet you’re singing it now aren’t you?}
Ron P.  05 Aug 2020
WHO S​AYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER!
 A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around she was surprised to see that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do, and hence she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door!"
                                                                           ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GYM ADVICE FOR OLDER GENTLEMEN.
I was working out at the gym when I spotted a gorgeous young woman walking in.
I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"
The trainer looked me over, and said, "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
                                                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHEN I WAS A BOY.
 When I was a boy, my mum would send me down to a corner store with $1.00, and I would come back with 5 potatoes, 2  loaves of bread,      3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs.
You can't do that now.
Too many security cameras. 
                                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RonP.  04 Aug 2020
BLONDE ON A PLANE.
A plane is on it's way to Toronto., when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. 
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co- pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to   her seat.
The blonde replies, " I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he should probably have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. 
The pilot says, " You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, "First Class isn't going to Toronto."
Ron P.  03 Aug 2020
The Duck and the Lawyer.
The big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee.  He shot and dropped a bird , but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied. "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face first into a fresh cow pat. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket , he said. "Okay, you old upstart. Now it's my turn."
    
[Wait for it. This is the best part.....]
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Ron P.   02 Aug 2020


English as only the Brits can strangle it.   Only in Britain - Complaints to Councils.

Extracts from letters written by Council tenants.

  1. It’s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
  2. I want some repairs done to my cooker and it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
  3. I wish to complain that my father resisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
  4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
  5. My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand?
  6. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
  7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
  8. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
  9. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
  10. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
  11. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
  12. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
  13. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
  14. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
  15. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
  16. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’ get BBC2.
Ron P. 01 Aug 2020.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink,
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
Warning: the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering where you left your clothes.
                                           
                                       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day.
Warning: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster,
and better looking than most people. 
                                       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
Warning: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
                                       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Warning: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
 Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!'
Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
Warning: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh. I grant you that the
 wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
 not go nearly as well with pizza.'
Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some, it's a six- pack, to me, it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
Warning: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with
members of the opposite sex without spluttering. 
                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Think about this then :  A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as
the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection
 is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of
the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest
members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as
fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, 
kills brain cells.  But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster  and more efficient
machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Warning : The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
                                   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ron P 01 Aug 2020.

Taken from the above book and are what people actually said in court.

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, “ Where am I Cathy?”
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan!
                                         _____________________________________
Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reebok’s.
                                          ______________________________________
Attorney: Are you sexually active.
Witness: No, I just lie there.
                                         _______________________________________
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what way does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forget?
                                         ________________________________________
Attorney: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
                                         _________________________________________
Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty year old - How old is he?
Witness: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
                                       __________________________________________
Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you kidding me?
                                         ________________________________________
Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th.?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness: Getting laid.
                                         ________________________________________
Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Your honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
                                         __________________________________________
Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Take a guess.
                                           ___________________________________________
Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Unless the Circus was in town, I’m going with male.
                                     ______________________________________
Attorney: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
                                       ______________________________________
Attorney: All your response must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.
                                         ____________________________________
Attorney: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8.30 pm.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: If not, he was by time I finished.
                                           __________________________________
And the best for last!
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive?
Witness: Yes, it is possible he could have been alive and practising law.
Ron P. 30 July 2020

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.  When I quizzed him about it, he reckoned he could stop any time.

A friend went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a relative's grave. As he was standing there, he noticed 4 grave diggers walking around with a coffin..... 3 hours later and they were still walking about with it.... He thought to himself, these guys have lost the plot....

My grandson has been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to the local pet shop and they were $70!!!! That's no good I thought., I can get one cheaper off the web....

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy...

A friends wife was hinting about what she wanted for their upcoming anniversary. She said, " I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." He bought her some scales...

A friend starts a new job in Seoul next week. He thought it was a good Korea move...

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it...

 The British Prime Minister has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English...

I was out driving this morning when I saw an RACV van parked on a side road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looking very miserable. I thought to myself, "that guy is heading for a breakdown."

On holiday a few years ago in Barcelona. I saw a sign that said, " English speaking Doctor." I thought, "What a good idea, why don't the English have them in their own country?"

Ron P. 29 July 2020.


 Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of you who fly routinely in your jobs.

 After every flight,  pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (P), and the solutions (S) recorded by maintenance  engineers.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test Flight OK, except auto - land very rough.
S: Auto - land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.
P: Autopilot in altitude - hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P:  IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny,
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Ron P 27 July 2020

 A rabbit walks into a pub...…

……..and says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie?
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves..
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves..
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit  and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets around), gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves..
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, " A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman."
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night, there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, "A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman,"
The barman says, " I'm sorry, old mate, but we are all out of them ham and cheese toasties."
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice cheese and onion toastie."
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?"
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman with a roguish smile says, " Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it."
" Ok. " says the rabbit, "  I'll have a pint of beer and a cheese and onion toastie."
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!!!!
                                 -----------
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..
The barman says, "Who are you?"
To which he is answered, " I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.."
The barman says, "I remember you.  You made me famous."
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous."
The rabbit says, "yes I know.."
The barman says, "I remember on your last night we didn't have any ham and cheese toasties. You had a cheese and onion one instead."
The rabbit said, "Yes you promised me that I would love it."
The barman said, "You never came back. What happened ?"
  "I DIED ",  said the rabbit.
 "NO! " said the barman. "What from?"
After a short pause, the rabbit said..
 
  "Mixin-me- toasties."

Ron P. 27 July 2020


Sentences actually typed by Medical Secretaries in the National Health Service.

  1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
  2. The patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
  3. Patients medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
  4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  5. Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day, it disappeared.
  7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
  9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
  10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
  11. She is numb from her toes down.
  12. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
  13. The skin was moist and dry.
  14. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
  15. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  16. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
  17. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
  18. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  19. Skin somewhat pale but present.
  20. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
  21. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
  22. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
  23. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
  24. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
  25. She slipped on the ice, and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
  26. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, Who thought we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
  27. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
  28. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. 
Ron P 26 July 2020
British Humour 
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
                                                                        '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
Question: Are there too many immigrants in Britain?
17% said Yes;  11% said No; 72% said " I am not understanding the question please"
                                                                      ------------------------------------------------
                                                                         A Police Stop at 2.00 AM.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2.00 am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, " I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and
staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, " That would be my wife."
Ron P 26 July 2020
The Alzheimer’s Test - Quick and Easy To Take....
The Alzheimer’s Test was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
  1. This is this cat.
  2. This is is cat.
  3. This is how cat.
  4. This is to cat.
  5. This is keep cat.
  6. This is an cat.
  7. This is old cat.
  8. This is fart cat.
  9. This Is busy cat.
  10. This is for cat.
  11. This is forty cat.
  12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I bet you cannot resist passing it on.
                             “ A smile is the shortlist distance between people”.
Ron P. 26 July 2020

 BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,”Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks,”What is it supposed to be when it is finished?”
The blonde says, “ According to the picture on the box, it is supposed to be a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box then turns to her and says, “ First of all, no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a cup of tea, and then.....”, he said with a deep sigh.......
.......“Let’s put all the cornflakes back in the box.”
Ron P 23July 2020
One night our man walked into a pub.....
…… and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so he approached and asked, "Hello, are you lassies from Scotland?"
One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!"
So he apologized and replied, "I am so sorry.  Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And... that's the last thing he remembers....
Ron P. 22 July 2020
LIFE FINALLY EXPLAINED.
On the first day God created the dog and said :" Sit still all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of 20 years."
The dog said: " That's a long time to be barking. How about 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10? '
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: " Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this I'll give you a 20 year life span."
The monkey said : "Monkey tricks for 20 years!! That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 years like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long  and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this I will give you a life span of 60 years."
The cow said : "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give you back the other 40?"
And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man and said: "Eat. sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this I'll give you 20 years."
But man said: "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back and the 10 the dog gave back; that makes 80 - ok?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support ourselves and our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grand children. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone!!!
NOW LIFE HAS BEEN EXPLAINED TO YOU.
Ron P 13 July 2020
ONLINE TRIVIA AND GAMES:
https://www.funtrivia.com/quizzes/
https://www.sporcle.com/games/ghcgh/tv-shows-by-image-a-z-iii
Marek T, 18 May.
OUR MAN WALKS INTO A BAR:
...........and orders a beer. After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill.
“ $3.00, says the bartender.”
Our man, just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a dirty look but has no other option but to pick them up.
This happened for the next 3 - 4 days, and every day the bartender felt humiliated.
Next time, our man orders a beer but couldn’t find three $1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that this is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of our man. He then places two $1 coins at the opposite ends of the table.
Now, with a shrewd smile and with all the excitement, he goes to the man and says, “ Go on, collect your change.”
Our man then takes out a $1 coin from his pocket and puts it in front of the bartender, and says, “ One more beer please.”
Ron P, 16 May
TWO GUYS ARE WALKING DOWN FLINDERS STREET IN MELBOURNE:
..........and they see a sign outside a bar that says, “10 cent Martinis”, and they decide to go in.
They don’t believe it but decide to order anyway.
The bartender makes two large martinis with blue cheese olives and says , “ That will be 20 cents.”
The two guys can’t believe it , but drink up and order again.
While the bartender is making the drinks, they ask him, “ How can you afford to do this.”
The bartender responds, “ I always wanted to own a bar where people could drink cheaply, and then I won the lottery.”
One of the guys responded, “ That’s great . Congratulations.”
Just then, the other guy notices that there are three guys at the end of the bar with no drinks in front of them.
He asks, “ How come those guys aren’t drinking?”
The bartender says, “ Oh, they are retirees from the country. They are waiting for Happy Hour to start!”
                                     ……………….…………………………………………………
When you hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society - don’t you wish you could join them?
Ron P 15 May
AN ESSENDON FAN WALKS INTO A CITY PUB:
.......... and spots a guy wearing a Richmond beanie.
“ Drinks for everyone here barman!” shouts the Essendon fan. “ Except for the Richmond fan.” The Richmond fan smiles and says, “ Thank you!”
Infuriated, the Essendon fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Richmond fan, who, again, thanks the man. This goes on for a while, until the Essendon fan asks the barman, “ What’s the matter with that guy? I’ve ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?”
“ No, he’s not nuts,” says the barman. “ He owns the place.”
                               ……………………………………………………………
 Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the Universe, is that it has never tried to contact us.
Ron P, 14 May
A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR:
............and orders a whiskey. When the barman serves it up, he takes it outside to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.
As he is enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly.
“ How can you pollute your soul with the Devil’s drink like that.?” she asks.
The man shrugs. “ It’s not the Devil, it’s just whisky.”
“ But it’s sinful and wicked.”
“ How do you know it’s so bad then? Have you ever tasted whisky.”
“ Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is.”
“ But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?”
They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. “ Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whisky, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn’t do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a tea cup?”
The man agrees that this is fair, and walks inside to the barman.
“ Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup please.”
The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, “ Is that damn nun here again.”
                                           ………………………………………………………
A PHILOSOPHY FOR HOUSEKEEPING.
I don’t disturb cobwebs, because I want every creature to have a home of its own.
I don’t pull weeds in the garden, because I don’t want to get in God’s way. HE is an excellent designer.
I don’t Spring Clean, because I love all seasons and don’t want the others to get jealous.
           When baking, follow the directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
Ron B, 13 May
A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR:
..........and sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender says,” I’m sorry sir, you already seem very drunk. I cannot serve you.”
The man gets up and leaves.
A few minutes later, he comes in again, sits down at the bar and tries ordering another drink.
“ I’m sorry sir, but I cannot serve you because you already seem drunk. Please leave.”
The man grunts, gets up and wanders off again through the same exit.
Another few minutes goes by, and the same man comes back in, sits down and tries to order yet another drink.
“ SIR, I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE NOW THAT YOU’RE TOO DRUNK, AND I CANNOT SERVE YOU.”
The man looks at the bartender all surprised and slurs: “ How many bars do you work at?!!!!”
                                                   ……………………………………………….
A PHILOSOPHY FOR HOUSEKEEPING:
I don’t do windows - because I love birds, and don’t want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
I don’t put things away, because I will never be able to find them again.
I don’t iron, because......I choose to believe them when they say “ Permanent Press”.
                                   A clean house is a sign of a broken computer.
Ron P, 12 May.
A BARTENDER IS STANDING BEHIND HIS BAR:
..........when a well dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in.
“Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!” The man yells as he approaches.
The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, and they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, who just shrugs and says, “Oh, I didn’t bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry.” The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out.
The next night, the bartender is behind the bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in.
“ Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!”, the man happily announces as he approaches.
The bartender thinks: “ This guy can’t be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him up so hard the previous night.”
He pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers and they all drink. The bartender hands the man the bill, and again he shrugs and says, “ Oh, I didn’t bring my wallet with me again, sorry.” The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out.
For the third night in a row, our bartender can’t believe his eyes when he sees the man return.
“ Bartender! A drink for everyone , and a drink for me!”, the man calls out as he approaches.
The bartender is fuming and grins sardonically: “What, no drink for ME tonight?”
The drunk looks at him and says: “ Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink.”
                                       .....………………………………………………………
Give a man a duck and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to duck and he’ll never walk into a bar.
Ron P 11 May.
AN IRISHMAN WALKS INTO A BAR IN NEW YORK:
.........and orders three pints of beer. He drinks each one in turn, and walks out. The next night he returns, and again orders three pints of beer, and then again the next night. The bartender offers to serve them consecutively so they won’ go flat, but the Irishman explains, “ I’d rather see them all lined up before me. I left two brothers behind in Ireland, and since we used to meet at the pub every night and have a pint together, I feel closer to them when I come to drink my pint and their two.”
This goes on for a year, and then one night, the Irishman fails to come in. The regulars are concerned, and then saddened when he returns a few nights later and orders only two pints of beer. When the bartender serves him, he says, “I see you didn’t order a beer for one of your brothers. My condolences on your loss.”
“ My brothers are still alive,” the Irishman says. “ I didn’t order my own beer; my wife made me promise to give up drinking.”
                                 …………………………………………………………
Thoughts for the day:
You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try.
In the midst of great joy, do not promise anyone anything.
In the midst of great anger, do not answer anyone’s letter.
A friend is a person who goes around saying nice things about you behind your back.
                                             ………….………………………
Walkers thoughts for the day:
Your body is made for walking.
Make your feet your friends.
A leader takes people where they want to go.
A great leader takes people where they don’t necessarily want to go, but ought to be.
                                   ……………………………………………
                   An insurance policy covers everything except what happens.
Ron P, 08 May.
AN ENGLISHMAN, SCOTSMAN AND AN IRISHMAN WALK INTO A BAR:
...........and begin drinking. Soon they notice a large glass vase of gold coins in the corner and ask the barman what was it there for.
The barman told them: “ That there is the prize for anyone who can 1: Drink a full bottle of tequila in two minutes; 2: Go into that room over there with a lion inside and pull a thorn from the lion’s foot; 3: finally go upstairs and make love to a 100 year old woman.”
The Prize money was too much for the men to pass over, so they agree to try.
The Englishman goes first, but after only half the tequila, he collapses drunk.
The Scotsman is next. He downs the tequila and staggers to the lion’s room. The door is closed and there is a massive scream, and soon afterwards, he stumbles back out of the room with his hand bitten off.
The Irishman drinks the tequila and staggers towards the lion’s room. The door is closed behind him and almost immediately there are massive screams and shouts coming from behind the door, screams which last for nearly ten minutes.....There is banging up against the sides of the door and everything and then silence. The Irishman emerges battered, bleeding and torn. “ Now,” he says,” where is that lady with the thorn in her foot.”
                                                           ...........................
SOME THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY:
You learn something every day if you pay attention.
Parents - just do the best you can, hold your breath, and hope you have set aside enough money for your children’s therapy.
An expert is someone called in at the last moment to share the blame.
A committee meets to discuss an agenda for hours, and records its decisions in minutes.
Ever notice that the first piece of luggage on an airport carousel never seems to belong to anyone.
WALKER’S THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY:
Few people know how to take a good walk. The qualifications are endurance, plain cloths, old shoes, an eye for nature, good humour, vast curiosity, good speech, good silence and nothing too much.
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.
Ron P, 07 May
EGGSTRORDINARY:
A senior member poached an egg in the microwave as instructed by another club member ( Mary). However, it blew up the cup, smashed the latch on the door and made a mess of the kitchen. It took him an hour to clean up, but he is still laughing about it - all because he didn’t prick the yolk.
Anon 06 May.
OUR MAN WALKS INTO A BAR:.
......grabs a seat and orders a double whiskey, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it over to our man.
Our man reaches into his coat, searching frantically. This catches the bartender’s attention, so he monitors his customer out the corner of his eye. Finally, our man finds what he is looking for and sighs a sigh of relief.
He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey. The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, “ I’m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?”
To which our man replies,” Oh no, no, everything’s fine! I just promised my wife I’d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.”
                                                       ……………………………………
Advice for the day:
Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don’t feel that men provide them with enough frustration.
When you fall down, find something to do while you are down there.
Thoughts for the day:
After God created the world, He made man and woman. Then to keep the whole thing from collapsing, He invented humour.
All people have the right to stupidity, but some people abuse the privilege.
Walking thoughts for the day:
Walking gets the feet moving, the blood moving, and the mind moving. Movement is life.
The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk.
                   Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Ron P, 06 May
AN OLD BLIND MAN STUMBLES INTO AN ALL GIRL BIKER BAR BY MISTAKE:
.......and finds his way to a bar stool where he sits down and orders a beer.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke.”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, “ Before you tell that joke old feller, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a boxing team.
I’m a six foot tall, blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional wrestler.
The lady to your right is a professional weight lifter.
Now, think about it seriously old man....do you still want to tell that blonde joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “ No...not if I’m going to have to explain it five times.”
                                       …………………………………………………
Advice for the day:
If you tried your best and failed miserably, the lesson is - don’t try.
Marriage is is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other person is the husband.
Thoughts for the day:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
It is frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Walking thoughts for the day:
Walking is good for solving problems. It is like the feet are little psychiatrists.
Walking takes longer than any other form of locomotion, except crawling. It stretches time and prolongs life. Life is already too short to waste on speed.
                                 Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Ron P, 05 May
JIGSAW PUZZLES:
Would you like to do jigsaw puzzles without messing up the dining room table for the next six months, then try Jigsaw Planet for online games (https://www.jigsawplanet.com/).  It's free - and adictive.
Col P. 04 May.

OUR MAN DROVE INTO A COUNTRY TOWN IN NSW:
.......and parked outside a bar for a drink. Unfortunately the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his car had been stolen. He went back into the bar, pulled out a gun, flipped it into air, caught it above his head without even looking, and fired it into the ceiling.
“ Which one of you country bumpkins stole my car?” He yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
“Alright, I’m going to have another beer ,and if my car isn’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m going to do what I did in Victoria! And I don’t like to have to do what I did in Victoria!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. Our man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and saw that his car had been returned to the parking area. He got into his car and got ready to drive off, when the bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “ Before you go.....what happened in Victoria?”
Our man looked out of his car window and said, “ I had to walk home.”

                                              ……………………………………

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
To prevent your skin from sagging, eat until the wrinkles fill out.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
As a nation, we are dedicated to keeping physically fit - and parking as close to the shops as possible.
If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, then the triathlon must have taken Him completely by surprise.
WALKER’S THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Enjoy long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy you.
The moment your legs begin to move, your thoughts begin to flow.
 “ The road to success is always under construction.”
Ron P, 04 May.
VICTORIA TOGETHER:
The Victorian Government has developed a new website called Victoria Together (https://www.together.vic.gov.au/victoria-together) and includes music, entertainment, Arts and nature.   Videos on this website are both live-streaming and pre-recorded.
Col P. 01 May.

You Tube (Recorded Live Theatre):
The London National Theatre are releasing recordings of there poplar shows each weekend.  They are now available for only 7 Days from 4:00am Fridays (Melbourne time), and can be accessed on the following link: https://www.nationaltheatre.org.uk/nt-at-home.   There is a different show each weekend. This weekend  (2 May) is Frankenstein.   These shows are great viewing on a smart TV.
A PANDA WALKS INTO A BAR:
.........and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.
“Hey!” Shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”
Sure enough, Panda : “ A tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
A LIZARD WALKS INTO A BAR:
...........pushing a baby in a stroller. 
“ What’s your kids name?” Asks the bartender.
“ Tiny,” says the lizard. “ Because he’s my newt.”
                                           ……………………………………………
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Don’t eat natural foods. Most people die of natural causes.
A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Men are like computers because they are suppose to help you solve problems, but half the time, they are the problem.
Isn’t it a bit of a worry that doctors call what they do “practice”.
WALKERS THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Walking is the one form of locomotion by which man proceeds on his own two feet, upright, erect as a man should be , not squatting on his rear haunches like a frog.
We live in a fast paced society. Walking slows us down.
When I read about the evils of drinking alcohol, I give up reading.
Ron P, 01 May
OUR MAN WALKED INTO A BAR:
.......and sat drinking his beer next to the window looking out onto the car park. He watched as cars swerved into the car park. The drivers would run inside the pub, only to reappear minutes later looking confused.
The reason may have been the sign outside in the car park: “ Free Beer, Topless Barmaids, and False Advertising.”

                                                         ………………………………

A PARENTS DICTIONARY:
Amnesia - condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.
Dumb Waiter - one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family Planning - the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial ruin.
Feedback - the inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name - what you call your child when you are angry with him/her.
Grandparents - the people who think your children are wonderful even though they are sure you’re not raising them right.
Impregnable - a woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.
Independent - how we want our children to be, as long as they do everything we say.
Pre-natal - when your life was somewhat your own.
Puddle - a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off - a child that is more talented than yours.
Sterilise - what you do to your first baby’s dummy by boiling it, and to your last baby’s dummy by blowing on it.
Top Bunk - where you should never put a child wearing Superman PJ’s.
Two Minute Warning - when the baby’s face turns red and he/she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Whodunnit - none of the kids that live in your house.
Ron P 30 April
ONLINE QUIZZES:
Below are links to online quizzes to help pass the time:
https://www.proprofs.com/quiz-school/?utm_source=404_custom_page&utm_medium=quiz_school&utm_campaign=404page_quiz_school
https://www.triviaplaying.com/1120-Hiking-Trivia-Quiz-Questions-Answers.htm
Marek T, 29 April
A GRIZZLED OLD SEA CAPTAIN WALKS INTO A BAR:
........He has a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook hand. The captain sits down and orders a drink. The bartender serves the drink, and asks the captain a question.
“ If you wouldn’t mind, how did you get that peg leg?”
“ I were chasing the white whale, laddy. Dangerous business that!”
“ Well how did you get the hook hand?” the bartender asked.
” Yar, had me a swashbuckling accident, and lost me hand, I did! “ “ Wow! What about the eye patch?” asked the bartender.
“ Well now, that was a sea gull pooped in me eye.”
“ What?” Asked the bartender. “ How did you loose your eye from seagull poop?”
“ Yar, t’were me first day with the hook!”

                                         ………………………………………………

SOMETHING MORE TO THINK ABOUT:
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
Some days we are the flys; some days we are the windscreen.
Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time!
Good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much if your lips are moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
When we are born, we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our rear. From there on in, life gets worse.
Ron P, 29 Apr
AN OLD GUY WALKS INTO A BAR:
..........and the bartender asks for ID.
“You’ve got to be kidding ,” the old guy said. “I’m almost 60 years old.”
The bartender apologised, but said he had to see the ID. The guy showed him his driving license, then paid for his drink and told the bartender to keep the change.
“ The tip is for checking on me ,” he said.
The bartender put the change in the tip jar.
“Thanks, “ he said. “ Works every time.”

                                           …………………………………………

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just knick off and leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren’t getting any.
Never forget that you are unique, just like everyone else.
Don’t aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
Never test the depth of water with both feet.
If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish , and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
[Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know].
Ron P, 28 April

Observation:

I was recently walking to the supermarket, and as I passed by the Northcote golf course, there was a violent thunderstorm. It was particularly frightening, because the golf balls were the size of hail stones.

Col P, 27 April.


 OUR MAN WALKS INTO A BAR:
.............and asks for 10 shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and our man takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.
The bartender asks, “ Why did you do that?”, to which our man replied, “ Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!”

 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said, “ Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”
Slim replied, “ I feel like a newborn baby.”
“Really? Like a new born baby?”
“Yep, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
Ron P, 27 April.
CAN’T MISS A BEAT:
........Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black labrador, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab. owner says, “Let’s get a beer.”
The chihuahua owner complains, “ That would be great, but we can’t take our dogs in there.”
The first responds with, “ Watch me.”
The lab owner strolls in with his dog and orders a beer. The bartender tells him,” Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.”
“He is my seeing eye dog”, the man replies, feigning offense.
The bartender quickly apologises and serves him the beer.
The second man follows, his chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.
Again, the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.
“ He is my seeing eye dog,” the man replies.
“ Yeah, right , “ The bartender says. “ A chihuahua?. Give me a break.”
Without missing a beat, the man replies, “ What? They gave me a chihuahua ?!”.
A GORILLA WALKS INTO A BAR:
.........and says, “ A scotch on the rocks please.” The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 note. The bartender thinks to himself, “ This gorilla doesn’t know the price of drinks,” and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, “ You know, we don’t get too many gorillas in here.”
The gorilla replies, “Well, at $9.85 a drink, I won’t be coming back either.”
Ron P, 26 April
You Tube (Recorded Live Theatre):
The London National Theatre are releasing recordings of there poplar shows each weekend.  They are available for only 48 hours from 4:00am Saturdays Melbourne time, and can be accessed on the following link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aig5ObghHS4.   There is a different show each weekend, and last week was the Phantom of the Opera, while this weekend (25 April) is the Twelth Night.   These shows are great viewing on a smart TV.
Linda G, 25 April.

OUR MAN WALKS INTO A BAR:
........and sees his friend sitting beside a 12 inch pianist.he says to his friend, “ That’s amazing. Where did he come from.?”
The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. Our man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells our man that he has but one wish.
Our man thinks and says,” I wish I had a million bucks”. All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks.
“ What just happened?” our man asks. His friend replies, “ I don’t know. Did you really think I wanted a 12 inch pianist?”
MANAGEMENT LESSON:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says,” I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, and after a few seconds, Bob hands her $ 800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”
“ It was Bob the next-door neighbour,” she replies.
“Great,” the husband says,” did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story: if you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Ron P, 25 April
OUR MAN WALKS INTO A BAR:
......As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender “What’s with the meat?”
The bartender says, “ If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss one, you have to pay for every one else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?”
Our man takes another look at the meat, then says, “ I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”
WHY WOMEN ALWAYS HAVE THE LAST WORD:
MARRIAGE 1.
Macho man married a good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don’ expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.
I’ll go hunting, boozing, fishing and card playing when I went with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said:
“ No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night... whether you’re here or not”.
MARRIAGE 2.
Husband ( a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says “And you are no good in bed either”, and storms out of the house After some time, he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends, so rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband say, “What took you so long to answer the phone”.
She says, “ I was in bed”.
“In bed this early , doing what,” he asks.
“ Getting a second opinion,”
MARRIAGE 3.
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself , that he starts calling his wife, “ Mother of Six” despite her objections.
One night , they go to a party. When the man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts out at the top of his voice, “ Shall we go home Mother of Six.”

His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion, shouts right back, “ Any time you’re ready, Father of Four”.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Ron P, 24 Apr


HIS CUP RUNNETH OVER:
........it is the end of the week and our man realises that he is broke as walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on. But then he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it - as you do - and a genie emerges.
“I will grant you three wishes” intones the genie.
“Give me a bottomless mug of beer” our man says.
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each sip, the mug magically refills “And for your other two wishes?”
Between swallows, our lucky man shouts, “ Give me two more just like this one!”
Ron P, 23 Apr
OUR MAN WALKS INTO A BAR:
........and straight away spots an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, “ Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”.
She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, “ No, I won’t come over to your place tonight!”.
With everyone in the bar staring , our man crept back to his stool, puzzled and humiliated.
A few minutes later, the woman walked over to him and apologised.
“ I’m sorry if I embarrassed you,” she said, “ but I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying human reaction to embarrassing situations.”
At the top of his lungs, our man responded, “What do you mean , two hundred dollars?”
SIGNS IN SHOPS:
Gynaecologists Office - Dr. Jones at your cervix.
Podiatrists Office - Time wounds all heels.
On a Septic Tank Truck - Yesterday’s meals on wheels.
On a Plumber’s Truck - We repair what your husband fixed.
On another Plumber’sTruck - Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
Church Bill Board - 7 days without God makes one week.
Tyre Store - Invite us to your next blowout.
Electrician’s Truck - Let us remove your shorts.
Non Smoking Area - If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
Maternity Room Door - Push, push, push.
Optometrist’s Office - If you don’t see what you are looking for, you have come to the right place.
Taxidermist’s Window - We really know our stuff.
On a Fence - Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
Car Dealership - The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
Car Exhaust Store - No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
Vet’s Waiting Room - Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!
Restaurant Window - Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.
Front Yard of a Funeral Home - Drive carefully. We’ll wait.
Radiator Shop - Best place in town to take a leak.
Another Septic Tank Truck - Caution! This tank Is full of Political Promises!
OUR MAN WALKS INTO ANOTHER BAR:
........and sees a beautiful woman at the end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, ”Where have you been all my life?”
“Well”, she says, “ for the first half of it, I wasn’t even born.”

The doctor suggested I start doing squats, so I have moved all the beer to the bottom shelf of the fridge.

Join the 2 - Day Challenge - Absolutely NO alcohol on February 30 th. and 31 st!

A recent study found that women who carried a little extra weight lived longer than the men who mentioned it.

Ron P, 22April


A MAN SAT OUTSIDE A PUB:

.......”Poor old thing”, thought the well dressed gentleman as he watched the old man fish in a puddle outside the pub. So he invited the man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he would humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”.

The old man replied, “ You are the eighth.”

THOUGHTS, ATTITUDES, EMOTIONS and OTHER DISASTER AREAS:

Why did Moses spend 40 years wandering in the desert? He refused to ask for directions.
An emotional man can lash out like a reptile; an emotional woman prefers to “talk about it “.
When you are dealing with an upset woman, don’t offer solutions or invalidate her feelings - just show her you are listening.
To prove his love for her, he climbed the highest mountain, swam the deepest ocean, and crossed the widest desert. But she left him - he was never home.
Men hate criticism - that is why they like to marry virgins.
Don’t offer a man advice unless he asks for it. Tell him you have confidence in his ability to work things out.
Talking about her problems is how a woman gets relief from stress. But she wants to be heard, not given solutions.
Men climb on their rock to solve problems. Women who follow them get kicked off.
Most men get a brain haemorrhage after 20 minutes of shopping.
Some men cringe at the thought of responding in detail, but if you are prepared to try it, you will score big points with most women.

Ron P, 21 April.


DOES SHE LOOK GOOD YET?

.......Our man was in a bar drinking his beer. When he had finished his beer, he pulled out his wallet and looked at a picture of his wife, then ordered another beer and put his wallet away. He finished his second beer, took out his wallet, looked at the picture of his wife, ordered another beer and put his wallet away.
He did this several more times, when finally the barman asks,” Why after you finish your beer do you take your wallet out and look at a picture of your wife.?”.
Our man replies that “ As soon as she starts looking better to me, it is time to go home!”.
                                                       ………………………………………
This one is a bit tricky. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. There must be a word or phrase for this, but I haven’t found it yet.
The idea is to take a word or phrase and rearrange the letters to make another word or phrase, only using each letter once, and having no letters left over.
     Eg. Dormitory. Rearrange the letters to become - Dirty Room.
PRESBYTERIAN = BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION = A ROPE ENDS IT
GEORGE BUSH = HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE = HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES = CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY = IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW = WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS = ALAS! NO MORE Z’S
A DECIMAL POINT = IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES = THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO = TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the Grande Finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA = TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Yep! Someone has waaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! Clever though.
Ron P, 20 April.
CHURCH BULLETINS:
As you may have realised, churches and all places of worship are closed at the present time. However the various religious denominations continue to put out bulletins over various websites. In case you have missed some of these, they are given below:
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
The Sermon this morning : Jesus walks on water.
The Sermon tonight: searching for Jesus.
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around your house. Bring your husband.
Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again”, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
A potluck supper will be held on Sunday at 5.00 pm. - prayer and medication to follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7.00 pm., there will be hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The Low Esteem Support Group will meet next Thursday at 7.00 pm. Please use the back door.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7.00 pm. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the Church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday - “ I Upped my Pledge - Up Yours”.
                                   ……………………………………………………………………
A man was telling his neighbour “ I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars , but it is state of the art. It is perfect.”
“ Really answered the neighbour... what kind is it?”.
“Twelve thirty “ was the reply.
                                                     ……………………………………………
While it is still Sunday, and you are supposed to be indoors, let us remind ourselves of some of the signs seen outside our local Churches
CHURCH NOTICE BOARDS:
Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the snake, and the snake didn’t have a leg to stand on.
There are some questions that just can’ be answered by Google.
Down in the mouth? Come in for a faith lift.
As you pass this little church, be sure to plan a visit, so when at last you get carried in, God won’t need to ask “ Who is it?”
Let us help you study for your final exams.
We are the SOUL AGENTS in this area.
Please don’t drink and drive. You are not ready to meet me yet.
If you miss the sunrise I made for you today, never mind. I’ll make another one tomorrow.
How can you be a self made man. I specifically remember creating you.
If you think the Mona Lisa is stunning, you should look at my masterpiece - the mirror.
What part of “ Thou shalt not.......” didn’t you understand.
Big Bang Theory..... You have got to be kidding!
DON’T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE!

Ron P, 19 April


A Blonde’s Year in Review.  (All complaints should be directed to the auther of this Post (below)).

January: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....”duh”.....bottles won’t fit in typewriter!!!
March: Got excited.......finished jigsaw in 6 months.... box said “2-4 years!”
April: Trapped on escalator for hours....power went out!!!
May: Tried to make a Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!!
June: Tried to go water skiing.... couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July: Lost breaststroke swimming competition...learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.
August: Got locked out of car in rainstorm.... car swamped, because top was down.
September: The capital of California is “C”.......isn’t it???
October: Hate M & M’s....they are so hard to peel.
November: Baked turkey for 6 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per kilo, and I weigh....none of your business.
December: Couldn’t call 911......” dur” ....there is no “eleven” button on the phone!!!!
What a year that was!!
YOU HAVE TO LAUGH.
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the 1st. exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the 1st. pen and there was a sign attached that said, “THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR”.
The wife playfully nudged her husband In the ribs and said - “He mated 50 times last year”
They walked to the 2nd. pen which had a sign attached that said, “THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR”. The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said “That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him”. They walked to the 3rd. pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters “THIS BULL HAS MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR”.
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband’s ribs, said “That’s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one”.
The husband looked at her and said ............”Go over and ask him if it was the same cow!!”
The husband’s condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.
Ron P, 18 April

Confusion on the Pier:

Three old guys were out walking:  
Rod said "Windy. isn't it?!"
Bob said "No, it's Thursday!"
Col said " So am I. Let's go get a beer"

243 1589 2

Ron P, 17 April.


Well today there is good news and there is not so good news:

The good news is that our alcoholic man who keeps finding a bar to enter (and cause trouble) is alive but not too happy. We left him yesterday having imbibed what he thought was someone else’s whiskey but then told it contained poison. Thinking he was about to die caused him to wake up from his nightmare that he was having in a cold sweat. The not so good news is that he woke up with a terrible hangover. He thought this was some sort of omen and a warning to stay away from any bars that he might wander past.
He therefore made an immediate decision to sober up and not go out - for two days. He thought by then he would have come to his senses and would “return to the bar”.
This means a couple of days that our website editor doesn’t have to groan through another episode “in the life of.....”.
BUT WAIT.... we move from the alcoholic to the Chocaholic.
Most of you should have collected a few Easter Bunnies or chocolate eggs last weekend and are now wondering how to finish off the last of the leftovers.

Below I give you “The Rules of Chocolate”.

  1. If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you are eating it too slowly.
  2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
  3. Problem: How to get 2 kg. of chocolate home from the shop in a hot car.   Solution: Eat the chocolate in the car park.
  1. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It will take the edge off your appetite and you will eat less.
  2. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?
  3. If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all of your chocolate, what is wrong with you?
  4. Money talks. Chocolate sings.
  5. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
  6. Why is there no such organisation as Chocolates Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.
  7. Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your to do list today. That way, at least you will get one thing done today.

Ron P, 17 April


OUR ALCOHOLIC WANDERER HAS FOUND YET ANOTHER BAR TO ENTER:

.......and settles down with his drink next to a little fellow who is staring miserably at his scotch. After about 20 minutes, the little guy is still sitting there, so our man grabs the scotch and drinks it down. The little chap starts to cry.

‘Hey, I’m sorry,’ says our man, ‘but I thought maybe you didn’t want it. Let me buy you another’.

‘No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep, get to work late, and my boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find it is stolen. I get a cab home but leave my wallet in it. I get inside my front door and find my wife in bed with my brother.’

‘Then to top it all off, I come to this bar, and just as I’m thinking of finishing it all, you show up and drink my poison.’

So: is this the end of our wandering alcoholic barfly? Has he entered a bar for the last time? Perhaps he is enjoying Happy Hour 24/7 in that heavenly bar above or was the poison not strong enough to see him off? Will he do a Harold Bishop from Neighbours who got washed out to sea on a camping trip but returned five years later?

For the answer, log in to this website tomorrow to find out what really happened to him.

DIET GUIDES: What fits your busy schedule better, exercising one hour a day, or being dead 24 hours a day?

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be too afraid to cough.

TIMELESS TRUTHS: Foreign aid may be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. (Douglas Casey).

Ron P, 16 April


Some Suggestions for Self Isolation:

With this coronavirus making people spend more time at home, either with their loved ones or on their own – here are a few suggestions of things to do. 
  1. Catch up on that book that you were meaning to read.

       2. Do a crossword puzzle, jigsaw puzzles,

  1. Declutter your house, wardrobes.
  1. Organise your photos.
  1. Sit in the backyard and read a book.
  1. Finish a DIY project you started by didn’t have time for.
  1. Exercise inside or go for a walk.
  1. Bake a Cake.
Stay Safe.
Marek T, 15 April

Here we go again:

OUR MAN IS STILL ON HIS PUB CRAWL AND FINDS ANOTHER BAR TO WALK INTO......

only to be thrown out by the bouncer for not wearing a tie. He goes back to his car to move on, then is struck by an idea.   Pulling out his battery jumper leads, he ties them around his neck, and goes back into the bar again. “There you go”, he grins. “You didn’t say what sort of tie”.  “Alright, you can come in”, says the bouncer. “But don’t start anything”.

DIET GUIDES: The handle on your recliner does not qualify as an exercise machine.

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

TIMELESS TRUTHS: A government who robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. (George Bernard Shaw).

Ron P, 15 April


The story of the Bar Fly continues - and some more wise words from one of our members:

OUR MAN FINDS YET ANOTHER BAR TO WALK INTO:

.......this time with a crocodile and asks the barman if he serves lawyers.
   ‘Sure do,’ replies the barman.
   ‘Good’ says our man.
‘A pint of lager for me then, and a lawyer for the croc’.

DIET GUIDES: I’m going to order a broiled skinless chicken breast, but I want you to bring me lasagna and garlic bread by mistake!

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: You only need two tools in life - WD- 40 and duct tape.
       If it doesn’t move but should, use the WD - 40.
       If it shouldn’t move but does, use the duct tape.

Ron P, 14 April


Bob - Before and After. Pick the difference:

First prize - A four year old Lions Christmas Cake found during a cupboard clean out. (Mmm mmm - yum!).

20200413 150913

Bob and Marg H, 14 April


That Man Walks into Another Bar:

......and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, along with a bowl of peanuts. As the man dips in for a nut, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. ‘Wow, you look fabulous tonight!’ it says.’ Great hair, great aftershave...a class act all the way!’

The man is a little confused, so he gets up to get some cigarettes from the machine. He puts in his money, and another voice says: ‘Hey dorkhead. You gonna foul up the air around me any longer? Shoulda stayed at home, you should, with a face like that.

The man reels backwards and asks the barman what on earth is going on. ‘Didn’t you see the sign sir? The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order.’

Ron P, 13 April


Some Wise Words from Winnie Churchill:

Diet Guide for the day: The healthiest part of a donut is the hole. Unfortunately, you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there!

Simple Home Remedies: A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

Timeless Truths: “I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle”.

(Winston Churchill).

Ron P, 13 April


Rember the Good Old Days? Pre-corona Virus - Cowes (23 Feb 2020):

243 1965


A Message from Leunig:

DSC 0003 1586568344105 2

 Marek T, 11 April


Lessons We Learned in the Past Few Weeks:

  1. Rich people are in fact less immune than the poor.
  2. No astrologers can save any patient.
  3. Health professionals are worth more than football legends.
  4. Animals most likely feel the same way in the zoo, as we do in quarantine.
  5. The planet regenerates quickly without human interference.
  6. Oil is worthless in a society without consumption.
  7. Majority of people can comfortably work from home
  8. Everyone can survive without junk food.
  9. Living a hygienic life is not at all difficult.
  10. Men can cook too.
  11. Media is full of nonsense.
  12. Actors are just entertainers, not heroes.
  13. Life is so fragile, handle with care.

Ron P, 10 April


Another Man Walks Into a Bar:

......with a roll of tarmac(bitumin) under his arm and says:
“ Pint please, and one for the road”.

Followed by Another Man:

.......who sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet.
“ Does your dog bite?” He asks.
“No”.
A few minutes later the dog takes a chunk out of his leg.
“I thought you said your dog didn’t bite,” the man yells.
“That’s not my dog”.

Ron P, 10 April


Some Wise Comments:

Diet Guide for the day: I have metal fillings in my teeth. My refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen. That’s why I can’t loose weight.
Simple Home Remedy For The Day: Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
Timeless Truths: “If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.” (Mark Twain).

Ron P., 10 April


Social distancing at work - or the result of a disagreement:

243 2009 2 003


Ron - the Walking Nut:

  1. You have six pairs of knee length woollen socks, of which three come in sunset red.
  2. You can prepare a cheese and tomato sandwich with just one hand.
  3. You wear an Akubra hat, but just as a post modern statement.
  4. You tie plastic bags around your boots when you enter a coffee shop.
  5. You swap blister stories like an army veteran.
  6. Not only do you know that dock leaves cure nettle stings, but you actually know what a dock leaf looks like.
  7. You know the difference between a weed and an orchid without having to refer to google.
  8. You paper your walls with old Vicmaps.
  9. You make one teabag last for at least four walks.
  10. You know you're obsessed, but as walking is truly the greatest pleasure on this earth, then so what!Ron.

Ron P, 09 April


 

Ron Walks into a Bar:

......with a dog. ‘This dog is the smartest dog in the world,’ he says.’ He can answer any question.’ ‘ Oh yeah.’ says the barman.’ Prove it!’ Ron turns to his dog, and asks,’What is above our head?’ ‘Roof,!’ ‘How does bark feel.’ ‘Ruff!’ ‘ Give me a girl‘s name.’ ‘ Ruth!’ The other drinkers,growing tired of the show, throw the man and his dog out of the bar. The dog turns to Ron and asks, ‘ Should I have said Elizabeth?’

Ron P, 09 April


Returning from Overseas!:

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask you a favor ?
'Of course child, What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought for  my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I am afraid they will confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps ? 
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
"With your  face, Father, no one will question you"
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous Instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 
"Go ahead, Father.
Next Please..."
Muriel P, 08 April

A Man Went Into a Bar:

...and says ‘Got any grapes?’ The barman says: ‘Grapes? Course I haven’t got any grapes. This is a pub.’
The man leaves, but is back the next night. ‘Got any grapes?’
‘Look,’ says the barman, ‘I already told you I don’t have any grapes.
You ask me that one more time, I’ll nail your head to the bar.’
The man leaves again, but sure enough he’s there the following night.
‘Got any nails?’
The barman looks puzzled. ‘No’
‘Good. Got any grapes?’

Ron P, 08 April


Suggestion:

Enrol in a distance learning course for studying to be an Astronaut.  Now is a good time to escape Earth for twelve months, and there's no restrictions on inter-galactic travel.

Col P, 08 April


The Committee Members Lament:

Oh, give me some pity, I’m on a committee.
Which means that from morning to night,
we attend and amend and contend and defend,
without a conclusion insight.
We confer and concur, we defer and demur,
and reiterate all of our thoughts.
we revise the agenda with frequent addenda,
and consider a load of reports.
We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose,
and the points of procedure are fun,
but though various notions are bought up as a motions;
there’s terribly little gets done!
We resolve and absolve but we never dissolve,
since it’s out of the question with us.
What a shattering pity to end our committee...
Where else would we make such a fuss?
Ron P.  07 April

Life Before the Computer:

Ron P. 07 April


A Prayer for Older People – and Bushwalkers:

Father. Thou knowest I am growing older.
Keep me from becoming talkative and possessed with the idea that I must express myself on every subject.
Release me from the craving to straighten out everyone’s affairs.
Keep my mind free from the recital of endless detail.
Seal my lips when I’m inclined to tell of my aches and pains.
Teach me the glorious the lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.
Make me thoughtful but not moody, helpful but not bossy.
with my vast store or of wisdom and experience, it seems a pity to use it all,
but Thou knowest, Lord, that I want to keep my friends until the end.
Ron P. 07 April

Dreaming of Ancestors:

I dreamt I saw my ancestors all standing in a row.
Some were handsome, brave and true, but some were not quite so.
One had to run away to sea in search of a foreign gold.
Many had died in Scottish soil, fighting thee English foe.
no all enmity forgot they stood there in a row.
I looked at them; they looked at me - What does she want to know?”
“Who are you all, where did you live?” At last at last night I know.
There stories wide and varied, I listened to spell bound.
Next day I would repeat them, with my family all around.
My family tree complete at last, how sad it is to know.
I only dreamt of ancestors all standing in a row.
Ron P. 07 April

A Past Experience on the Great North Trail (NSW):

Can't climb up, can't go down,
What am I doin' ? Suppose known as hanging aroun'.
Walkin' is fun, but not as a run. Am slip, slidin' plenty: will dem up front ever slow down?
Not jolly likely, and oh crickey: endless climbin', jumpin' and hurryin' must be fun?
What to do next? Must find an exit.
No chance of dat, with smoke dere by track. We come to da end, walkin' into safe suburbia, den find liquid relief with hydration aplenty.
End of day, what can we say, time for new boots to keep dat slippin' away.
Sad to see toenails are departin' their moorin'; meanin' old boots must be retirin''.
How different 'tis with new treads underfoot: slippin' no more, now a safety boot. Why did not listen earlier to all dat advice? New boots needed: but can't believe price!
Happiness aboundin'; majority decidin' less walkIn'; exceptin' them two remainin' who plannin' more not less!
Off they go, in early mornin' to sound of majority snorin'.

Rose P. 07 April


Another Little Ditty:

"Sob, sob" goes Mr Bob; "daily routine has gone to the dogs.
Early cafè coffee and no more; even no horseracing guide to score.
Some push biking allowed; walking sans friends avowed."
In desperation he asks "Would crochet be alive?"
Sorry Mr Bob, 'tis croquet tool which does that thing; do move quickly to miss my swing.

Rose P. 07 April


A Day at Home - Alone:

Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing. The hoover was very unsympathetic... told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over!The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip.? The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ........yes, you guessed it ?.....pull myself together.

Rod C. 06 April.


A Little Ditty:

A friendly EBC walker called Col,
Enjoys company and a long stroll,
Arrival of COVID-19: EBC is hardly the social scene,
Col looks forward to walking & re-socialising in his Keen.

Rose P.  06 April


Suggestion:

A competition - a weekly photo on Facebook. Members to post a caption for the photo. I guess the committee could decide the winning entry.

Also, a joke of the week.

Marek. T, 05 April.


Weekend Notes (and now weekdays too):

The following weblink suggested by Liz may offer some appealing activities and past times: https://www.weekendnotes.com/melbourne/.   

Liz. S, 02 April.


Home Improvements:

Attend to those half-finished projects at home or start some new ones.


Communicate and Assist:

Pass on important information to other members who don’t have access to the internet; and assist them to apply for online services.


Keeping in Contact with Family and Friends:

If you’re new to internet technology, then this may be a time to learn something new. How to keep in contact with others, by using Skype – which is free. It’s an App that can be downloaded to a computer, laptop, Tablet or smart phone, and uses the internet to connect to others. When you download the App, create an account, then ask your contacts to also open an account – and off you go.   The following weblink will assist you with Skype (https://www.skype.com/en/). Another option is used by our committee – Free Conference Call (https://www.freeconferencecall.com/).   There are plenty of tutorials for these applications on the internet. Otherwise your three-year-old grandchild will know how to use them.   Note: video and audio conference calls will eat into your internet data allowance.   Face Time is also available on iPhones and iPads.


 Comment:

I’m currently teaching my computer how to understand mumbling and gibberish (Voice Recognition). I’m also learning to write with my other hand.  So now I’m talking to an inanimate object while writing illegible words on a notepad. Now that’s multi-tasking!

Col P, 01 April.


 Distance Learning with U3A:

Check out U3A online distance learning classes. The University of the Third Age (U3A) is a volunteer organisation that run courses for residents over the age of 50.   Generally, there is a U3A operating in most Municipalities, and are supported by the local Councils. Their classroom courses have been suspended, but online courses are still available. Check the following link for more details: (https://www.u3aonline.org.au/).


 Volunteer:

Local Councils and not-for-profit organisations may need extra volunteers for their support programs.   Check out the volunteer Victoria Website for more information: (https://www.volunteer.vic.gov.au/).


Read Some Books:

Join a library and download eBooks, audio books and newspapers to your computer, Tablet or smart phone. The Melbourne City library have a good variety of electronic literature: (https://www.melbourne.vic.gov.au/community/libraries/Pages/libraries.aspx).


 More Suggestions from Bushwalking Victoria:

The following link includes additional suggestions for members and the committee to consider: https://mailchi.mp/650b8bb2562b/what-now?e=39c87afbe0


 Comment:

Where’s Doctor Who in our time of need? Probably hurtling through the Universe on another futile mission to “exterminate” the Daleks.

Note:   The Doctor’s pixie-face side kick from a few years ago really is a time traveller.   One minute she’s Queen Victoria, then she’s in modern-day outback Australia hiding the body of her dead baby.

Superman is probably still chatting up Lois, and who knows what Batman and Robin are doing!

Col P, 31 March


 Suggestion:

Don’t stay inside all day watching TV, surfing the internet and reading books. That may turn you into a couch potato in no time. So, go outside occasionally and get some exercise (observing current restrictions), but don’t fall over - like I did.


 A Little Story:

I’ve just returned from a fantastic holiday since the Corona Virus lock down – the supermarket.   It only took me 45 minutes to walk the round trip, but I didn’t stay long because I’ve seen it all before.   It’s free entry but the souvenirs are expense.   However, I picked up some gems like fruit, vegetables and bread – but not toilet paper, because I’ve forgotten what it looks like.   I’ll probably go back there again, but to spice it up a bit, I’ll walk a different route, and then I’ll wander around the isles in a different direction.   Then on the following visit, I’ll walk around the aisles from the middle, outwards.   When I’m really confident about leaving home, I’ll go to a different supermarket.   I think after six months I would have visited all of these theme parks in the whole of Victoria.

Col P, 30 March